Same Script, Different Cast- Forgiveness

Writer’s Block.

My first writer’s block experience.

I couldn’t help but imagine how a well established writers feel when they hit the dreaded writer’s block. They do have a lot of things riding on it, their reputation, their earnings, passion, hobby, the list goes on n on…

I have been writing a 4-part series of the plight of the diaspora in relation to being conned or misused by people they trusted.  Mainly focusing on the things that we could learn. This is the fourth part or a semblance of one.

Here is the deal, I have some sort of writers block, yeah sort of. I would say that I fit the bill above but in my own league I did hit a block, of some sort.

You may have gathered by now that the story of the African diaspora can be summed as a case of “same script, different cast

It is all in the semantics.

The stories are there indeed. Some totally heartbreaking.

For the diasporas opening up to me, it is more like rather feels like,

“Nicolle, been-there-done-that, next”

( If you have not caught up here is the link

https://andreas-denz.com/2020/11/05/3745/       )

Wisdom warns us that experience should never be the only teacher, other people’s experiences should be good enough for us too.

Imagine for a moment, that you leave your support system for pastures greener than green.

You add bits and bobs to your life, spruce it up, spice it up, and sooner than later you are the rescue dog for the whole your community that you left behind.

You miss the company, the laughs, the ‘firsts’, the winding up, weddings, funerals, but life is about sacrifice right? Do the uncomfortable to gain the comfortable, they say.

The Three G’s

So, you learn to grit, grind, and to believe in grace. Triple G it.

But the people you do all these for, forget to perceive you as human being let alone family.

You are their cash cow, only they didn’t buy the cow.

They milk you dry, and some more.

So here is the other deal, rather than share more gruesome stories, just know whatever you think is so bad to do to family (even friends) has been done before.

Whatever you can imagine, has happened, after all their is nothing new under the sun. We can only pray that there will be a change of heart and this trend stops.

Diaspora or not, family or not, let us be mindful of other people’s mental wellbeing.

We are responsible of our own actions and that is what we are accountable for.

Love makes all things right and if we truly learn to love ourselves, we will love others and only good come out of that.

So today I will emphasis on boundaries and setting them.

“The way in which a person uses their true goodness is just like the way that trees are destroyed by the axe. Cut down day after day, how can the mind, any more than the tree, retain its beauty or continue to live”-Menciuos, 4th century, BC.

Establish boundaries and watch people naturally respect you. That is how we human beings are like. When someone is clear on the things that we can not get away withthen they earn our respect. Draw the line, a bold one, let people know things they can and can’t do to you.

The things are done to us only happen with our permission.

If at all you find yourself placing reasonable boundaries and, values that they can’t respect that, then maybe it is just about time to re-evaluate what benefit you get from that particular relationship.

Ask yourself.

  • Is it draining my energy?
  • Is it bringing you joy?

Do ask yourself such important questions to work out what needs to stay and what needs to leave.

“No one can make you inferior without your consent” Eleanor Roosevelt

In the same way no one can make you inferior, is the same way no one can take advantage of you without your permission, they might fool you once but twice??? Mmmh!

Here are some steps to follow before things get out of hand.

4 ways to stop being taken advantage of gracefully.

  • Inform– Inform the person of their actions that you would like for them to stop.  They might not even be aware of the harm they cause or of their behaviour so it is a fair chance.
  • Request–  Ask them to stop, at this point any sound person should know better. Though we don’t cease to surprise.
  • Demand–  If the above didn’t work then at this point insist on wanting them to stop and let them know of what actions you will take if they didn’t
  • Action–  To ensure that they know that they were not just issuing empty threats, do take action. Whatever you said you would do this is the point where you exercise it.

For a practical example, this could concern anyone not just the diaspora, toavoid distressor future drama.

If someone keeps on asking you for let’s say money, even though they may know your situation very well.

“ Oh I know you don’t have any cash right now, but if you get a little extra money please send me some.”

This could make you feel like they don’t believe you in the first place.

But again, We know sometimes how some people get, you confide to them about your situation but they always manage to still ask.

Informthem that you don’t appreciate the pressure they are putting on you especially when they know your current financial struggle.

If they continue, like some would, requestthem to stop.

“Can you please stop asking me for money as it is putting pressure in our relationship”

“I insistthat you stop asking me for money or else I will have to end this relationship, it is already draining me.

If they persist just end it. They are not after your overall well being. They don’t care about you.

 

©nicollehanselmann 2020

Photo by Ivan Samkovfrom Pexels

Article first shared at https://andreas-denz.com/2020/11/19/same-script-different-cast/

 

Establish Your Relationship Priorities-Ubuntu

Without a family, man, alone in the world, trembles with a cold.

-Andre Maurois

I sat there in awe, listening attentively as Faith told her story with such bravery.

(I must confess, I have this habit of wanting to help my friends, it is just a thing. I had to ask my mentor whether it was normal thing. He then told me that he also helps anyone that needs it regardless of their relationship. At first, I used to be that person that dishes out advice without even asking permission, then I learnt to respect boundaries and the friendship first. We come along way, don’t we? In coaching it is best too leave family and friends out)

“I got to her house after years of missing her so much, my sister, my best friend.

Smiles.

She knew how much I loved her, I thought I knew how much she loved me too. To me, sisters love and care for each other. Period.

My best friend had a newly furnished modern house, she had never worked, her husband didn’t work either, not for years and yet they had kids and lived a lavish lifestyle. I wasn’t jealous, I don’t think I was, but I came to a realisation. Sighs!

I pictured my life as a diaspora and that is when it hit me. I silently cried so much that night in her house. After that something within my core instantly changed.

You see back then I lived a modest life. I had sacrificed so much including pursuing my education for others. I lived on just the basics, literally bare necessities. Never went anywhere. After years of saving and loans I decided to give my family a big beautiful surprise visit. Only the surprise was on me’’ She then laughed.

I watched her keenly observing all her movements, trying to pick all those subtle messages from her body language. I would conclude that she looked like someone who was at peace with her current life, and herself. I guess what I was observing is whether she harbours any negativity or resentment of some sorts.

Faith like many others had heard about my video on how I got fleeced and so she decided to share her own story. Like cliche would have it, this was not her only rodeo, she had also been conned severally trying to purchase properties back in her home town. Not todays story.

“My understanding is that my best friend decided against going to University as she had wanted, she instead had decided to take the easy life of relying on my handouts.

As I was on holiday I decided to let it go. So what hurt me the most was whilst I stayed at hers, I paid for everything including the food and all the transports to the places we visited for the whole family plus more. Money was running out fast and she knew.

That was still ok, we were having fun. One fine day we argued over something so petty that escalated so fast, from 0 to 100 in seconds. She proceeded to shouted at me in front of her kids like I was a nobody, past wrongs got mentioned, she was carrying so much bitterness in her, and at no point was she remorseful for what she had done to me, too cut the long story short I have never received any apologies from her for my wasted cash. Am I waiting?

No! I decided to look after myself and always think of me and my needs first. Helping is good but not if detrimental.

My obsession isn’t just to share painful stories from amazing people but to learn from them.

Have you heard people joke about how families would be perfect without any other members? It is easy to joke about it especially when they are driving you crazy and you are only trying to use humour to cope.

We need each other. Ubuntu- I am because we are.

Most precious and memorable moments come from being around people we love, however annoying they might be at times.

Love is the greatest gift of all, it gives us all the bittersweet challenges.

“Love is of God”

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Create a relationship with yourself.

The only constant in all your relationships, the once you have and ever will have is,YOU.In all those arguments, fleecing whatnots with friends, with families, workmates, the only repetitive thing is your presence in them. YOU. Hard to accept right?

That is why it is very important to work on yourself. No-one else will always be there for you but yourself, even your children will grow up and your relationship with them will change. Everything changes expect change itself.

Build yourself esteem. When you love and respect yourself enough, and when you have self-confidence, then you will have boundaries put in place that people will respect and honour. Learn to feel secure in your place in the world, how you interact with the world, how you face challenges even in the toughest of times.

  • Live a conscious life-Beware that your thoughts affect your surroundings. They affect how you interact with others and can influence how people treat you. Live a healthy life, your health is your wealth.
  • Work on self-development-Develop your self-acceptance, self-responsibility, and self-assertiveness. Understand you will experience setbacks and that is okay, forgive yourself, be accountable of your own actions, express yourself effectively. No-one has control over other people’s actions.
  • Understand your values and live in alignment with them-Your values affect your choice of work, your home life and relationships you keep.
  • Nurture family boundsStop blaming others for ruining your day or your life. Devise strategies to defuse disagreements and conflicts. Set firm boundaries they will love you more not less.

Remember:

  • When we sacrifice to give to others then what we are in fact doing is telling the universe we don’t have enough. You are sending the wrong message, a message of lack.
  • It can be extremely difficult to attract the success we seek without friends and family, if you don’t have any go out and create your own, go and find your people.
  • The more successful we become the more help we need.
  • It is ok to end toxic hopeless relationships that drain you.

 

 

©nicollehanselmann 2020

Photo by mentatdgtfrom Pexels

Article first posted at http://www.andreas-denz.com

How to Create Your Reality Using Your Personalty-Mental Wellness

Some articles are worth sharing again. This one was first shared at http://www.adreas-denz.com

How to Create Your Reality Using Your Personality-Mental Health

 

We sometimes choose to bear tough times on our own but is it the right option?

 

Today, let us learn some basic tools that will change your life.

It doesn’t take a genius to establish that I am big on mental health. Your health is your number one wealth.

 

My question for you, Ever wondered why we don’t hear a lot of the “big public figures” opening up about their struggles unless they have ‘beaten it’? 

Stigma

That is problem. 

Not so long ago we heard Prince Harry opening up to the world, about his own struggles that were related very closely to losing his mum as a little boy. 

 

You may also remember the news about the comedian who took his own life? A person who cracked people’s ribs moreso mine. 

Our Robin Williams was a legend, incidentally, he could make everyone else laugh but himself.

 

The other extreme example I will give is of Carol Flack, absolutely shocking.

Carol had the most beautiful laugh, and beautiful clothes, she was a stunner, hosted amazing shows but had skeletons in the cupboard, hidden right in front of our screens.

 

Now keep that thought with you for a moment, we have mentioned a comedian, the Prince, actors… we also have doctors too. The point is, anyone is susceptible to a breakdown but the judgement and stigma is the problem until it is too late.

Many people continue to fight a good fight. Albeit behind closed curtains, we only get to know of it when it has come to pass.

 

We are currently digesting the “hottest news” about Megan, Duchess of Sussex, who opened up to the public about her miscarriage. What a brave and courageous act. Miscarriages are linked to couples mental health and the sustainability of the relationship. A lot of couples go through such a tough time in silence and have to pretend to be ok or it never occurred. One possible by-product is depression.

 

What I am saying? I simply wish that we lived in a world where anyone could be vocal about their struggles regardless of their status, or lack of it thereof, without prejudice.  

A lot of us would relate to the struggles and hence say things like,

“Wow! If the president shared their mental struggle then who am I to hide mine, why should I struggling on my own?”

Resilience…

 

Jada P. Smith mentioned at some point how she believed the key to happiness is to create emotional independence ( emotional strength, or resilience as some may call it) in the face of tough situations. She had learned how to work through some difficult emotions without needing to talk to a friend or speak to her husband or even get advice from outside sources.

For me, this is a struggle very close to my heart and I can relate to it totally. I fully empathise with anyone going through that right now.

 

At one point in my life I became so strong that I never needed anyone.

 

Back in 2010 thereabouts, a lot of tough lessons got thrown my way. By the time I made it to my GP for help, it was almost too late. She immediately gave me 6 weeks off work, with a possible extension.

In her words “I have never seen someone cry this much, you have been through so much”

I got the time off work in the grounds of ‘low moods and high stress’ (as that was all I asked to be  written on my work letter)

I was one step from depression, a place that is so hard to come out of once one gets in.

 

Those 6 weeks that were given to me, were based on my personal preference of not choosing the medications way. I also promised to get myself better, ASAP. My GP really wanted to do more, but was hopeless, she had to respect my wishes as her patient. She then recommended some suitable meet-up groups of similar interests and other alternatives.

(By the way, It important to know that it is ok to need medications. We all have different capacities of handling stuffs. Please listen to your doctor)

 

Friends and family…

As a self-professed resilient person, people expected so much from me. I remember when I went to deliver the news to my boss and my co-workers’ initial reaction was to laugh it off. Most of them automatically assumed that I must be taking some sort of advantage of some sorts, and/or maybe just making a mountain out of a mole hill.

So much for work banters that dig deep.

Anyway, I can gladly say that I now know better and that is in the past now.

 

I genuinely believe, there is nothing weak or wrong about talking through a difficult situation with friends/family, life coaches, and/or therapists.

In fact, it is something that should highly be encouraged. Though there may be a limit to how much you should rely on friends and family. Only because, as much as they mean well, and want the best for you, they may lack professional training and tools or ability to help. 

Hence best to reach out to the professionals. Whatever you do, the most important thing is not to go it alone when facing a difficult emotional situation or loss.

 

Mental Agility

Here are some tools that could help. They will help you develop your mental agility.

But remember this is not substitute for professional advice.

 

1.Meditate

Joe Dispenza’s basic tools that could change your life:

  • When you invest in yourself you invest in your future.
  • Take sometime out of your busy life to disconnect from your world, turn your gadgets off, sit your body down for a few minutes, close your eyes.
  • Take some breathe to centre yourself. When you centre your intention into present moment you have more energy to create your future. When you are the present moment you become more creative.
  • Ask yourself, Can I be defined by the envisions of the future instead the memory of the past?  What do I want in my life? 
  • When you begin to think about the answers to the questions you are changing your brain. Creating new patterns and new combinations which is the beginning steps to changing your life
  • Define on the emotions you feel when you begin to create your future. Teach your body emotionally what that future will be like, and don’t get up until you feel those emotions. 
  • Rehearse in your mind, who you will be when u open your eyes. Repeat them over and over again. Things you will have to do, the choices you have to make, the steps you have to make…
  • You can’t go to the future holding on to the biology of your past. Decide what thoughts you want to take (or not take ) with you to the future.  Leave thoughts like “I can’t” “ I will never change”
  • Decide what emotions don’t belong to you. Decide on the emotions you want to take with you to the future. You can’t take emotions like insecurities and fearinto the future.
  • Your personality creates your personal reality and your personality begins with how think how you act and how you feel.

2. Eat well and exercise. Simply put, we are what we eat.

3. Seek help.  It is ok not to be okay. Talk to friends and visit a professional.

4. Have something to look forward to everyday.

5. Surrounding yourself with things that bring you joy, including people.

Remember we are here when you need someone to talk to. Check our other articles on mental wellbeing.

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2020

Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels

 

Emotional Exhaustion During the Pandemic

Things can get a little overwhelming after a while. (Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels)

Pandemic Induced Emotional Exhaustion.

I embrace my humanly emotions as a way of coping with all things… human. Taught and practiced self-forgiveness and totally simplified my life. Not so long ago, somethings would stress me up, grrrr! then I would get stressed for being stressed, you get the drift? Yeah! that vicious cycle from hell!

We are living in a time like no other, even the best of the best, the “Zen guys” are beginning to crack. So I suppose it is ok to feel like you are about to lose it.

When it hit me that we are having yet another lockdown, our third…seriously!…

…all I could do, to cope, was have an early lie down.

I went to my bedroom, hopelessly tried my bedtime routine and luckily slept really well.

What is Emotional Exhaustion?

Emotional exhaustion is a state of feeling emotionally worn-out and drained as a result of accumulated stress from your personal or work life, or a combination of both. Emotional exhaustion is one of the signs of burnout.

What are the 5 signs of stress?

(Photo by Alex Green from Pexels)

There are some psychological and emotional signs of stress e.g. 

 

  • Depression or anxiety.
  • Anger, irritability, or restlessness.
  • Feeling overwhelmed, unmotivated, or unfocused.
  • Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much.
  • Racing thoughts or constant worry.
  • Problems with your memory or concentration.
  • Making bad decisions.

(Oh! Oh! Anyone?)

It is paramount to look after oneself, more so now, than ever before.

People will let you down, your government will let you down, your practitioner may not have all the answers you seek, just play your part.

Research says that 50% of our happiness comes from our perspective, how openminded we are, how resilient we are and our general outlook on life.

In as much as we inherit a lot of our attitude, thanks genes, we still have control and can change them.

Managing your emotions:

1. Take a piece of paper and write down as many positive emotions as you can think of.

2. Close your eyes and recapture pleasant emotions you have had and relive them.

3. Then, be aware of your emotions throughout your day. Catch yourself when you are having a negative moment and replace it with a good thought.

With daily practice it becomes second nature. Don’t stop trying.

Chemicals in our bodies

Emotions release chemicals in our bodies which affect our physical state. We need  hormones like serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins that promote feelings like pleasure, happiness and even love.

1. Think about positive affirmations, go ahead and even shout them off a rooftop for all we care. I wish I could join.

2. Act and make believe. When your body is getting all tensed up, emulate things you would do when you are happy e.g good posture like walking tall etc

3. Play music that makes you happy. Always have a playlist that works like magic. Abracadabra! 

4. Go for a walk or a jog, this is natures way of releasing the right chemicals to re-establish equilibrium.

Mental Resilience

(Photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels)

1. It is ok not to be okay, ask for help, find professional support.

2. Focus on your priorities, your life purpose, vision and goals.

3. Form good habits like scheduling activities that build your mental and emotional wellbeing, just like a muscle it needs to be trained.

4. Take time to spoil yourself and reconnect with yourself.

Lastly, congratulations for reading this, it means you are looking after yourself. 

Remember

1. Mental wellness is not a one blog read and this is not substitute for professional advice.

2. Ubuntu, I am because You are.

 

I would like to hear from, you can also grab my free eBook https://nicollehanselmann.com/product/free-ebook-unscratched-not/ it dives into how we can thrive during difficult times.

More on practical ways on how to develop a resilient mind.

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

 

Resources

http://www.healthline.com

http://www.webmd.com

Secret to Happiness

Secret to Happiness

It is not easy to articulate what happiness really is, but we do have a rough idea of things that truly make us happy.

Read this article, the secret to happiness lies in knowing oneself.

It was previously shared on our sister website which deals with all areas of our holistic life;

https://andreas-denz.com/2020/10/21/the-secret-to-happiness-lies-in-knowing-oneself/

The Secret to Happiness Lies in Knowing Oneself.

But how can we achieve that?

How comes a lot us are unhappier than ever?

 

If there is one thing I can tell you for sure, in regards to your happiness, is that you have complete control over it. Full and total control. I know, right?

Well it is this simple. If you have any underlying needs that haven’t been met, those deepest personal and emotional needs, you will be unhappy.

 “Success is not the path to happiness.

Happiness is the path to success”

 

How can you tell there is a problem?  

                                                                                                                                                                                 Incidentally, most of us don’t even know our top 5 personal, and emotional needs.

And, most of us are also too embarrassed or reluctant to ask for our needs to be met by our spouses, children, or others.

I love my cuddles, just saying 🙂

The good news is that, we can easily identify our needs with modern technology, just take an emotional (or personal) index test and identify your needs. After all it is a lot easier to deal with something you recognise and know of, right?

Let us put it this way, it is almost impossible to be your best self with unsatisfied needs, hence the importance of identifying them and working on them.

For instance, some people love being around family, all the time, and that is what makes them tick, some not quite they do fancy occasional “me-time’.

We all have different needs and that is what makes us special.

Unmet Needs…

Unfortunately for us, unmet needs tend to manifest as frustrations, depression, irritability plus a lot of other unpleasant and unattractive qualities no one likes in us.

Honestly, if you still keeping up with the Joneses’ Sigh* then it is an indicator that something is quite sadly wrong. It is also a true way to self-destruction.

Just look around you, all your genuinely happy friends have attractive smiles and seem to attract everything and anything they wish for in their lives.

6 Secrets for being happy

Below, are some amazing ideas that could help, even if you are yet to discover your needs.

The recommendation is suitable for dealing with both the known and unknown needs:

  • Meditate:Discover and try out any form of meditation that works for you, otherwise even just taking 10min a day to quieten your mind works a miracle. Use meditation to control your impulses, reduce anger and enhance self-awareness.
  • Be a giver: Give you time, advice, information, and/or lend someone your ear, just give whatever you have. There is always something to offer. When we give it takes the attention off ourselves we then attract even more towards us.
  • Be grateful: Have “rituals” that remind you to be grateful throughout the day.         Nice tip is having a pebble in your pocket, every time you dig into your pocket and touch it, remember that you are alive and that is enough reason to be grateful.”Thank You”
  • Forgive and forget: There is power in letting go of things that could cause you harm more than they would the perpetrator. It lightens the burden and frees the mind.
  • Let your hair down: Do the things that remind you how alive you are, watch stuffs that make you laugh, dance to those upbeat tunes…Just live.                                              Have something to look forward to every day. There is no rehearsals in this life, this is it.
  • Know When to Say No and When to Say Yes: Anything negative you tolerate in your life drains you, be it your energy, or your finances etc.                                                This is one area we all fail ourselves, big time. We should replace them (the negative) with things that bring us joy. Yes! to more cuddles, no to gossips.                                                                             Yes! to adventure, no to idling. Not easy but can be learnt.

The list above is just but a starting point.

Feel free to ask for more.

Remember, looking after yourself makes you more attractive and authentically happy, you will end up attracting better opportunities with far less effort.

People will just love being around you.

Ask your friends and family for help whenever possible, allow them to help you meet some of your needs.

Do not bury your head in the sand and hope people will just magically know what you want and how you want them.

Tell them, be in charge, it feels great too.

Goodluck.

 

PS: Do let me know how it goes I promise to read all of your comments and reply and if you would like more recommendations feel free to email me.

 

©NicolleHanselmann 2020

Photo credit pexels-ketut-subiyanto pexels.com

Article originally shared on https://andreas-denz.com/2020/10/21/the-secret-to-happiness-lies-in-knowing-oneself/

Positive Attitude-I Can’t See My Own Label from Inside The Jar

I found this article useful and would like to share it again on here. It is a lovely reminder on staying positive even in times of trouble.

I Can’t See My Own Label from Inside The Jar.

What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognise it as such.

-Henry Miller

I would like to start by sharing my best poem ever, any friend of mine has heard this poem from time to time again.

A little about it, it is a poem we recited as kids, and I have to admit I don’t remember it all, let alone accurately.

However, the lesson in it has stood the test of time. And a massive lesson it is, one that follows me every day of my life.

 “ Many people find it easy to be thankful when things go well;

                 But they find hard to be thankful when things go wrong.

                 They quickly forget their years of good health after a few days of illness;

                  They quickly forget their years of wealth after…”

I find it so powerful. Sorry if you were enjoying it. The rest of it is just meddled up in my head, so that is as far as I will chance it.

Positive Attitude

It is very easy to have a positive attitude if you realise that everything is all good.

And I mean including the bad stuffs.

All good.

There is a  beautiful Japanese story of an old man that goes something like this.

There lived an old man called Sāi Wēng who raised horses for a living.

One day, he lost one of his prized horses.

After hearing of the misfortune, his neighbour felt sorry for him and came to comfort him.

But Sāi Wēng humbly replied,

“How could we know it is neither good nor bad for me?”

After a while, the lost horse returned and with another beautiful horse.

The neighbour came over again and congratulated Sāi Wēng on his good fortune.

But Sāi Wēng humbly said,

“How could we know it is neither good nor bad thing for me?”

One day, his son went out for a ride with the new horse.

He was violently thrown from the horse and broke his leg.

The neighbours once again expressed their condolences to Sāi Wēng, but Sāi Wēng simply said,

“How could we know it is a neither good nor bad thing for me?”

One year later, the Emperor’s army arrived at their small village to recruit all able-bodied men to fight in the war.

Because of his injury, Sāi Wēng’s son could not go off to war, and was spared from certain death.

 

If you are as tempted as I am let us humbly say it together, “How can we know it is neither good or bad…?

 

For us to appreciate the good things, we have to experience the bad ones too.

 

Optimism 

Optimistic people tend to live happier lives, this has been proven to be true.

Look for the good in all things just consider them as challenges with lessons in them.

A positive attitude has a lot of advantages;

  • Rather than complain, you will make use of your current challenges. You will make the most of it and learn from it knowing if you don’t the lesson will keep coming back to you until you do.
  • You will be more accepting of all your life lessons.
  • You won’t get stuck or feel stuck.
  • You will be accepting of your emotions (and of others hence flexing your empathetic side)
  • You will stop being judgemental of yourself (and of the people around you creating a relaxed and loving environment)

In conclusion, see good in all things even in the bad stuffs.

Do not worry yourself with what people think of you. It is very important to know the difference between your character and your personality.

 

You: I can’t see my own label from inside the jar. Can you tell me what it says?

Me: You are enough, what is written on the outside doesn’t matter, the inside is all that counts.

I would like to hear some of your stories, what are some of the things that you had to experience the opposite for you to appreciate them? Please leave a comment or send me an email, I promise to read them all.

 

Thank you.

 

Photo credit: Photo by willsantt from Pexels

Photo by Brett Jordan from Pexels

Article originally posted at:

https://andreas-denz.com/2020/10/06/why-boundaries-matter-and-how-to-improve-your-self-confidence/

Boundaries Matter

Why Boundaries Matter and How to Build Your Self-Confidence.

“If you wish to be the king of the jungle,

It’s not enough to act like a king.

You must be the one & only king.

Sadly there can be no room for any form of doubt.

Because doubt causes chaos that leads to one’s own demise

-From The Movie Gentlemen.

Can you picture the king of the jungle, The Lion asking its food, the deer, permission to eat it?

Hi, I am the king of the jungle, do you fancy being my dinner tonight?

Confidence…

Imagine the wonders we could do in our lives if we truly and fully believed in ourselves.

Most of us should be arrested for those things we tell ourselves. Sigh! Actually this should be made into a thing, like literally. Only joking!

This tip I am about to share, should do wonders in building your self-confidence, it will help you be the king of your jungle, jungle here being your environment.

Roarrrrrrrr!

Boundaries…

Have boundaries.

You will have to learn the habit of addressing every nitty-gritty issues in your life.

Anything that constantly bothers you needs to be tackled head on and that is as soon as practically possible.

Those stuffs you treat as minute, as tiny, as unimportant, and you tell yourself “oh! it is ok it will go away. Oh! it doesn’t matter…”

…and opt to ignore, pushing it at the back of your mind…

Nah!Nah!

NEWSFLASH! It tends to build up.

It totally matters.

Everything matters.

It is not fair on you, neither is it fair on the people around you ignoring issues. They need to be tackled head on.

This basically means that, you should not tolerate negative remarks from people, however petty. It additionally means that, you should deal with those subtle digs, from friends and families whoever it is, there and then. Be what it may, do not bottle it.

Any confident person, or “big” person (notice the quotes), never tolerates or puts up with unpleasant behaviour from others. It is as simple as that. You can’t be confident and put up with crap, it just doesn’t work.

Put boundaries in place and see yourself keeping clean and crispy relationship, and hence, as a bonus, upping your confidence. Level it up!

Boundaries are good and healthy for your self-esteem and personal growth.

Put them in place and watch yourself transform.

Not that, if you do end up losing some people in your life from detoxing it, friends/family whatnot, then it is important, to remember, that they were just your energy drain. They are better off leaving your life.

Homework…

Notice how much you have been putting up with in the name of being “nice” and/or playing “the good boy/girl?”

Write down the things you have been tolerating in others and start working on them.

 

Good luck and let me know how it felt.

 

 

©NicolleHanselmann. 2020

 

Ps: Would you like to know how to approach and handle boundaries without losing face?

Subscribe never to miss out.

Photo credits: Hush Naidoo on unsplash.

Ref: Coach Yourself to Success by Talane Miedaner.

Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office by Lois P. Frankel.

Article originally posted at; 

https://andreas-denz.com/2020/10/06/why-boundaries-matter-and-how-to-improve-your-self-confidence/

What Are Petty Annoyances and How to Get Rid of Them

Lives Petty Annoyance and Why We Should Get Rid of them.

’Blistering barnacles’

Who remembers Captain Haddocks curses from TinTin?

I used to find it downright funny, still do.

But wait a minute, what are barnacles?

I don’t know whether you know or have heard of barnacles.

Barnacles are those little creatures that love living on the surface of sea vessels especially ships.

They are great on rocks but not on ships.

(Just to be specific, for those who love details, Barnaclesbalanus glandula, are sticky little crustaceans related to crabs, lobsters, and shrimps)

They start as one then grow to be so many, eventually, they start weighing the vessel down,

According to NOAPP, “Large barnacle colonies cause ships to drag and burn more fuel, leading to significant economic and environmental costs. The U.S. Navy estimates that heavy barnacle growth on ships increases weight and drag by as much as 60 percent, resulting in as much as a 40 percent increase in fuel consumption!”

I know, right.

Mind blowing.

Grrh! The poor big ships have to be taken out of water to be scrapped off or painted with special paint.

Now do this, picture your life, like literally.

Have you got any petty annoyances?

For most of us most definitely, YES!

Petty annoyances are those tiny little things in a our lives that we tolerate but then eventually, sooner or later, they start draining our energy (reason why sometimes a lot of us procrastinate, story for another day).

It could be anything.

It could be that cupboard you keep saying, and mean to declutter or may be that button that fell off you’re lovely outfit, every time you want to look a million dollar, you pick it up, try it on but damn!

Every single time you pick it up, and remember that you can’t wear it unless you sort out, then get annoyed? Petty Annoyance!

I personally have a dress that I keep to date, it is too precious to bin and too annoying to keep. Blistering barnacles!

Barnacles matter.

Everything matters.

It matters.

If you are like most of us, you find yourself creating a loop from hell. Pick it up, annoyed, put it back annoyed that you haven’t sorted it out. Then annoyed at yourself for being too lazy and too busy, yada! yada! yada!, you get it?

Petty annoyances could be anything.

So, here is your homework.

Write down a list of all your most petty ‘ignorable’ annoyances in your life, whatever it is. Be it that lightbulb you haven’t fixed, be it that broken chair, anything, all of it, write it down.

Then work through them steadily and see how much lighter you feel.

Don’t stress about those you can’t solve yet…

…or control if it involves changing other people or your environment.

If you need more help and information feel free to chat to us we have a lovely great team of dedicated individuals who will listen to you and try to help.

Don’t forget to share with your friends.

 

 

©NicolleHanselmann 2020

Article first posted at;

https://andreas-denz.com/2020/09/30/lives-petty-annoyances-and-why-we-should-get-rid-of-them/

References:

NOAA website.

Wikipedia definitions.

Life Coach by T.M

Photo credits: Greg Nunes.

10 things I learnt in 2020

Happy festivity

Today, I reflect on some of things I have learnt in the year of COVID-19 ( about myself, people and success)

  • Beauty is all around me.
  • Things change really fast.
  • Vulnerability is bravery.
  • People will disappoint you.
  • Energy vampires will suck you dry.
  • Know Your People.
  • Happiness is a choice.
  • Let Go, Let God.
  • Gratitude
  • Love Yourself

Reflecting on this year is very funny to me, the things I have done, boy oh! boy…sigh*

No! Hold on a minute. My sigh is actually a positive one. I have done so many brave things that leave me in awe of myself.

Not a lot of people know this, not that it is a secret or anything, but I did lose my job recently. Yeah! I know.

My case wasn’t directly related to Corona pandemic or anything like that, however I would say it was influenced by it in some level.

I had planned to eventually leave anyway, only it came sooner than expected. What I admired about myself, is how I handled the whole situation positively.

You see, prior to the loss, I had already done things that I could never have dreamt of before, and I knew I had more to offer. I had just started a YouTube channel to encourage people during these times. Believe me when I say this, if there is anything scary I have ever done in my life, this was it for me. It is up there with visiting a snake park.

Before you dismiss my achievement, this is what you need to do, grab a camera and record yourself just speaking then share it with the world to scrutinise it. Try it. A part of me just felt silly, but the drive was greater, so it won.

Anyway, I can say with sound certainty, my year has fantastic.

I have achieved so much in this year than I have in that last 5 years put together. From back to back courses, started and competed, to website development, self-taught, to blogging for two sites a week…and counting.

Built my website from scratch, looks all right doesn’t it (for a learner) and, I am not done yet, another website coming, this time a friend’s. You can give me your orders. Joking!

Let us dive into those things I have learnt living in this changing world.

1. Beauty is all around me. 

Beautiful things are right in front of me, but so are the ugly ones.

This is the universe maintaining its equilibrium.

I have culpability for my choices. I have to seek the wisdom of knowing which ones matter to me. Hence, I get to choose what to see and how to perceive it.

Being indoors a lot this year, left a lot of us feeling very vulnerable and possibly succumbing to depression.

Lesson:

  • Design your ideal life for 2021, go beyond what you believe are your limitations.
  • Decide what luxury and beauty is to you then surround yourself with it.
  • Spoil yourself on a shoestring, there is never a need to break the bank ever.

2. Things change really fast.

We saw how our world became so small and things affected us globally in minutes.You must have seen how fast the world changed into a new world. One minute, all we worried about was our bills, and the next was whether we remembered our masks.

We had no choice but to change with it or be left out.

Nothing is a constant, except for change. Change is inevitable.

Being rigid to change only encourages procrastination and stagnation. EVOLVE.

Lesson:

  • Never consider the negative always find something positive in every situation.
  • Life is all about perspective. When confronted with a negative situation dissect it seeking only the lesson it brings. 
  • Knowledge is power. Being informed about situations diffuse them and we get deeper insights of what we are facing.
  • Brendon Burchard.

“ We too often cling to the past, just when vision is required of us. We liked our old comforts, failing to ever see they were inadequate and beneath our potential. 

And so she uncertainty shifts the ground beneath us, we crouch and grab at the earth hoping for stability; or, we can leap and leap and land in a new and better spot.

Lift your eyes upward from all the trouble; look outward and forward and know that tomorrow’s expanding freedom is better than yesterdays’s stale certainties.

Do not cling. Do not fail to envision the good and remarkable future”

  • “The ocean doesn’t complain about the dance of ten million waves; so don’t be concerned with the rise and fall of thoughts.” Papaji
  • “Future-proofing your career is less about picking a safe job and more about constantly updating your skills throughout your career”-Joseph Aoun

3. Vulnerability is bravery.

Thanks to Brenè Brown who has taught us to be ok with being vulnerable.

Being brave, and its definition, is an individual thing. To some just stepping out for their weekly shopping during the pandemic was brave. 

We are all different and that’s the beauty of it all.

Lesson:

  • Let us not be quick at judging others in instances when their choices are different from our own.
  • When we get to understand people we develop empathy.
  • “…the measure of a man (or woman), is how they treat someone who is of absolutely no use to them…”-Unknown.
  • We should befriend our fears, or at least fear nothing except fear itself to achieve dreams.
  • Being brave is also a choice like anything else. Choose courage.
  • “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage”- Anais Nin.

4. People will disappoint you. 

Of matters friends and family, this one is the trickiest. People will disappoint you, not once, not twice, and it is so disappointing (for lack of a synonym).

This is where we decide to either make peace with that fact or eliminate toxicity. There is no room in this modern would for toxic relationships. God help us all.

 Lesson:

  • Set healthy boundaries. Without boundaries people will go overboard. (Learn more on my other article covering this in-depth )
  • Oprah Winfrey once said that, “When people show you the who they are the first time, believe them.”
  • In as much as we ought to love others, we also need to remember that we can love people but not like them. If they are not trying then you know what to do.
  • Forgive people for being people after all we are all humans we all have our faults.

5. Energy vampires will suck you dry.

People in our lives are a reflection of ourselves, sometimes showing us the things we don’t like about ourselves. But, we should be very wary of the people who drain us of our energies, our time, our money, they will take anything they can get away with.

Energy vampires are the type of people who leave you drained every time you have been around them or been in contact. These are the people that we found ourselves stuck with during the isolation and hence losing ourselves.

Choose your friends wisely.

Lesson:

  • Again as mentioned before, set boundaries, they help.
  • Your health is your wealth, whereby your health covers your mental wellbeing. 
  • It is a waste of time trying to change people.
  • You are who you surround yourself with.

6. Know Your People.

Point 4, 5 and 6 are correlated.

It is important to know who would choose you to go to the desert with them. This is the person you want choose right back, cause you feel the same.

You both know, if incidentally, you ended up in the desert, you will have the best time regardless of the conditions there.

Lesson:

  • Do not spend your time, money (you don’t even have in the first place) etc trying to please people who would never do the same for you.
  • You are not everyone’s cup of tea.

    “ The world is filled with people who, no matter what you do, no matter what you try, will simply not like you. 

        But the world is also filled with those who love you fiercely. The ones who love you: they are Your People.

        Don’t waste your finite time and heart trying to convince the people who aren’t your people that you have value. They will miss it completely.

        They won’t buy what you are selling. Don’t try to convince them to walk your path with you because you will only waste your time and your emotional good   

        health. You are not for them and they are not for you. You are not their cup of tea and they are not yours.

        Politely wave them along and you move away as well. Seek to share your path with those who recognise and appreciate your gifts, who you are.

        Be who you are.

        You are not everyone’s cup of tea and that is OK”-Not Known

7. Happiness is a choice.

 The pandemic had us stuck with ‘strangers’. People we only saw on our days off, yet some are actually family, our own flesh and blood. Awkward!

Happiness is a daily quest that we ought to decide to choose on a daily basis. There are lots of ways to ensure that happens. 

For instance, we can play some musics, and/or dance, talk to people we love, meditate, whatever it takes.

Lesson:

  • “The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.”Dr. Wayne Dyer
  • Surrounding yourself with things that add joy to your life.

8. Let Go, Let God.

Simply let Go.

Pray for serenity. Let God teach you your part. Trust me it is so easy to play.

Lesson:

  • “We have little power to choose what happens, but we have complete power over how we respond.”-Arianna Huffington
  • Step back. Allow things to unfold. There’s a beauty to be found in letting things be.” Tamara Levitt
  • “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely you will have Complete Peace.Ajahn

9. Give thanks. 

In all things, give thanks.

Gratitude is everything, it is the antidote to most of our problems.

If we concentrated on things we are grateful for we will never be depressed, or compete with others, or even be jealous of them.

Practicing meditation, and just taking some time out to breathe in and out appreciating life transformed my life.

Lesson:

  • Gratitude can be practiced. 
  • Give thanks in all things, there is always something. 
  • Start with the small things and bigger ones will be added.
  • “What you appreciate, appreciates”

10. Love yourself

Above all things, love yourself.

Here we go, did you know that there is no one else who can love you, more than you can love yourself?

Self-love means you can love others easily without judgement. 

With the quarantine, some of us found ourselves bearing our own company, it is hard if you didn’t already love yourself.  Imagine how we hate being around people we don’t like only in this case that person is you. Aah!

Lesson:

  • Loving yourself attracts better things in life, if you don’t love yourself you attract people who will ill-treat you as you don’t now any better.
  • There are promises made for you, things you are already entitled to, with loving yourself you discover your self-worth and believe in your destiny.
  • Be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself for your past wrongdoings and past choices. You have survived 2020 please! cut yourself some slack.
  • Self-love isn’t selfish at all. On the contrary, it is actually selfless.

Suggestion, can the person who said it is wrong to love oneself be shoot? Come onJust kidding!

Happy Festive Season y’all.

“There is freedom waiting for you,

on the breezes of the sky.

And you ask, ‘what if I fall?’

Oh but my darling, what if you fly?” Erin Hanson

 

Suggestions: If you loved this article you will love this one too https://nicollehanselmann.com/a-butterly-landed-on-your-shoulder

…and don’t forget to like and leave a comment. Thank you.

Photo Credit: https://www.facebook.com/bigzimagee

©nicollehanselmann 2020