Sometimes in life we need someone to point out to us our blindspots. Someone to motivate us and ensure we see things in different perspectives, someone who can possibly give us ideas on how to improve our performance, hence shortening our learning curve.That is what we all deserve.
Some people find fault like there is a reward for it.
Free from Self-Judgement
We need to suspend judgement on what seems to be right or wrong especially when trying to transform our lives. (So long as you are not breaking the law)
Eliminate the ‘should’
Once you decide you are transitioning to your best self, you then have to eliminate the ‘should’, ‘oughts’ and ‘musts’ in your vocabulary.
‘Shoulds’ are those things you have convinced yourself that you have to do, you gotta do, but really don’t want to.
These things just wear you out and drain you.
An examples would be;
“I should be making more money like everyone else”
“I ought to buy a bigger car”
“I must get married and have kids by 30”
That is just what you think, it is not necessarily what you want, the society probably told you so, and the media.
You get nowhere and waste a lot of energy with the ‘should’ time to ditch them and make more fulfilling goals and dreams. Nothing slows you down like the ‘should’, ‘oughts’ and ‘musts’
A ‘should’ goal defers from a real goal, coaching helps you figure that out.
One thing about coaching you don’t have to know from the outset what exactly you need to work on, hence my job is to help you find the answer within you. I will help you identify and calm the vague dissatisfied feeling that keeps nagging you to do better. As a bonus, save you from draining your energy on things that are not for you.
To be good, according to the vulgar standard of goodness, is obviously quite easy. It merely requires a certain amount of sordid terror, a certain lack of imaginative thought, and a certain low passion for middle-class respectability.
Reach out and get more goodies than you set out to get.
As we help each other grow through self-development and life coaching in general, I blog.
And with my blogger’s hat, comes a lot of sharing and responsibility.
Imagine knowing half of your story for years and years,…and years?
Yes, that happened to me.
Only recently, did I discover the other half of my life transforming journey. And, something in me still feels like there might be more to come mmh…
Just in case you don’t know much about me, I have shared most of my stories in my video blogs. One being that, I got so sick in my prime and overacted to the antibiotics given to me, and lost my hearing. I was about 25/26 at the time, the word scary doesn’t cut it.
I have always known and shared about me being on my death bed for about 13 or so days in hospital blah! blah! blah! There after, taken home to be nursed by my mum when it got too expensive. I know, I was in a semi-coma or something of the sort, then learnt how to walk after the whole ordeal.
But the details, not the weeny teeny bit details, the important details were missing.
Semi-coma yes, Oxygen, tick, blood transfusion, tick, learning how to walk again, yes, losing most of my hearing yes, still living it, ok???
Yes, I know moments.
Resuscitation! Yes, I know, resuscitation!
Only learnt of this recently. I would like to be dramatic and go like “Has my whole adulthood been a lieeeeee?” Joking…
Anyway, I don’t want to wallow in negativity and the past, I do actually appreciate my journey, I would like us too take something from this.
No matter what happened to you in the past, knowingly or unknowingly we ought to seek our purpose.
Let Go, Let God
Major Life Changes
Major changes can occur at any stage of our lives, in the form of sickness, bereavement,lossof earnings, etc. These can be external factors, those forces beyond our control that spiritual people like me sum it as God’s doing. At times we are just “victims” of someone else change an example would separation and divorce to kids or family.
Back to my story, I never knew the other half of my narrative as it affected the other members. The “victims” of my change. I could play victim here, flip it and say that it was selfish of them not to tell me. No, it is their story too. They officially became a living proof of being a victim of someone else’s major change.
Their story too
My sister watched me being brought back to life. The doctors and the nurses were in such a frenzy of panic that they never sent her away, I know, she stayed to watch, I don’t know much, not my story.
On the other hand, my mum thought it best for me never to find out, I know, again don’t know much, not my story. I only know she had asked that we don’t discuss it. This is a woman who was raw. She had had to go through almost losing her second daughter only after a couple of years of losing her first one. Yeah! I know!
Working through major life changes
Most of us need a grieving process quiet similar to bereavement after a major change.
Allow yourself time, give time, time, and forgive yourself. It is a very important process. This is your closure, a big deal saying goodbye to an old self. But, don’t mop forever. Don’t dwell on it, start living again.
A time comes when you just have to dust yourself and ask yourself what it is that you learnt.
Know yourself and how you like to deal with things.
Just before I clicked the ‘buy’ button, something in me decided to read the reviews. I was on a new read quest, so the excitement was there but for some reason, I paused. Checked the reviews, and there it was, someone had left theirs…
…rather than buy the book just search for ‘Habit Development’. Wow! Just wow!
Typed in my search.
Found a treasure.
I do love sharing my new finds that is why we are here.
But, I also do love promoting other writers so now I am in a dilemma. I can’t decide what to do. Question to you, well that is after reading the below extract, what do you think I should do?
Anyway, without any further ado enjoy my copy and paste effort.
This article is an excerpt from Atomic Habits, my New York Times bestselling book.
Your life today is essentially the sum of your habits.
How in shape or out of shape you are? A result of your habits.
How happy or unhappy you are? A result of your habits.
How successful or unsuccessful you are? A result of your habits.
What you repeatedly do (i.e. what you spend time thinking about and doing each day) ultimately forms the person you are, the things you believe, and the personality that you portray.
But what if you want to improve? What if you want to form new habits? How would you go about it?
Turns out, there’s a helpful framework that can make it easier to stick to new habits so that you can improve your health, your work, and your life in general.
Let’s talk about that framework now…
The Science of How Habits Work
The process of building a habit can be divided into four simple steps: cue, craving, response, and reward.Breaking it down into these fundamental parts can help us understand what a habit is, how it works, and how to improve it.
This four-step pattern is the backbone of every habit, and your brain runs through these steps in the same order each time.
First, there is the cue. The cue triggers your brain to initiate a behavior. It is a bit of information that predicts a reward. Our prehistoric ancestors were paying attention to cues that signaled the location of primary rewards like food, water, and sex. Today, we spend most of our time learning cues that predict secondary rewards like money and fame, power and status, praise and approval, love and friendship, or a sense of personal satisfaction. (Of course, these pursuits also indirectly improve our odds of survival and reproduction, which is the deeper motive behind everything we do.)
Your mind is continuously analyzing your internal and external environment for hints of where rewards are located. Because the cue is the first indication that we’re close to a reward, it naturally leads to a craving.
Cravings are the second step of the habit loop, and they are the motivational force behind every habit. Without some level of motivation or desire—without craving a change—we have no reason to act. What you crave is not the habit itself but the change in state it delivers. You do not crave smoking a cigarette, you crave the feeling of relief it provides. You are not motivated by brushing your teeth but rather by the feeling of a clean mouth. You do not want to turn on the television, you want to be entertained. Every craving is linked to a desire to change your internal state. This is an important point that we will discuss in detail later.
Cravings differ from person to person. In theory, any piece of information could trigger a craving, but in practice, people are not motivated by the same cues. For a gambler, the sound of slot machines can be a potent trigger that sparks an intense wave of desire. For someone who rarely gambles, the jingles and chimes of the casino are just background noise. Cues are meaningless until they are interpreted. The thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the observer are what transform a cue into a craving.
The third step is the response. The response is the actual habit you perform, which can take the form of a thought or an action. Whether a response occurs depends on how motivated you are and how much friction is associated with the behavior. If a particular action requires more physical or mental effort than you are willing to expend, then you won’t do it. Your response also depends on your ability. It sounds simple, but a habit can occur only if you are capable of doing it. If you want to dunk a basketball but can’t jump high enough to reach the hoop, well, you’re out of luck.
Finally, the response delivers a reward. Rewards are the end goal of every habit. The cue is about noticing the reward. The craving is about wanting the reward. The response is about obtaining the reward. We chase rewards because they serve two purposes: (1) they satisfy us and (2) they teach us.
The first purpose of rewards is to satisfy your craving. Yes, rewards provide benefits on their own. Food and water deliver the energy you need to survive. Getting a promotion brings more money and respect. Getting in shape improves your health and your dating prospects. But the more immediate benefit is that rewards satisfy your craving to eat or to gain status or to win approval. At least for a moment, rewards deliver contentment and relief from craving.
Second, rewards teach us which actions are worth remembering in the future. Your brain is a reward detector. As you go about your life, your sensory nervous system is continuously monitoring which actions satisfy your desires and deliver pleasure. Feelings of pleasure and disappointment are part of the feedback mechanism that helps your brain distinguish useful actions from useless ones. Rewards close the feedback loop and complete the habit cycle.
If a behavior is insufficient in any of the four stages, it will not become a habit. Eliminate the cue and your habit will never start. Reduce the craving and you won’t experience enough motivation to act. Make the behavior difficult and you won’t be able to do it. And if the reward fails to satisfy your desire, then you’ll have no reason to do it again in the future. Without the first three steps, a behavior will not occur. Without all four, a behavior will not be repeated.
Ok, here is one fact about me, I have been single more than I have been in relationships. Huh!
“Why?” You may wonder.
Beats me. (No, actually I do know why)
All I can say right now, in this particular phase of my life, is that I have a lot on my plate.
I have so much working on myself to do, to even accommodate any remote neediness. Only joking, not everyone is needy, it is just a shorter excuse as I finish off all my endeavours.
Valentine is here…
Media: Valentine is here!
All: Yeee! Hurray! Hip Hip, Hurray, for he’s a very good fellow, for he’s a very good fellow…
Me: Oh! No! Valentine is here!
I hope you are getting all the spoils there is to get.
I am lucky, for a single person I mean, I do fairly well. Can you imagine, some admirer got me some very very private gifts. What a hint!
Anyway, for a little reminder about relationships today, let us dig in.
Relationships are beautiful, but boy! they are work. They can be hard work…
If you can put in the work then by all means be in one. But if you can’t, you are most likely wasting someone else’s time.
“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get–only with what you are expecting to give–which is everything.”
We are seekers of happiness, to a fault, but life, life coaching in particular is about finding a balance. If being in a relationship makes you tick, be in one. But bear in mind, not everyone has it as a number one priority. Once you understand your needs and values then you know what matters to you the most.
“Where there is love there is life.”
For those in settled relationships, do you sometimes find yourself wondering whether you could sustain it? With the current unprecedented state of the world, most people are shackled together for long periods of time than ever before, this is putting a strain to even the strongest of bonds one could find.
Having a balance can be used to mean that you have a sense that all areas of your life are in harmonious whole. All the pillars of your life including love, health, money whatnots are working together beautifully and harmoniously.
Balance is very tricky to hold, especially long term.
It is very important to know the things that matter to you as a person. Hence, emphasis on knowing your whys, your values, your visions…
To be in a healthy relationship, find balance in your life and moreso in your love life.
Here is a good exercise I can across that could help, try it.
Grab a sheet of paper and draw a circle. Label it ‘My Centre of Relationship Balance‘
Draw two arrows coming out of the circle, one pointing to the right and the other the opposite direction. Label the left ‘Too Little/Not Enough‘ and the right, ‘Too Much/Many‘
Involve your partner if you can.
Now fill in the two categories with things in your relationship that you feel are too much in an unhealthy way and those that are too little in a distractive manner.
Now draw a representation of your ideal love life. Using the top of the page would be good. Use any symbol your like to represent your ideal relationship. ( e.g a star, tree, prism, pet etc ) Something that will represent your love life when it is most balanced. (Establish your relationship priority)
Start working on each of the ‘Too Little/Not Enough’ with your partner every day steadily in a peaceful manner, then work on the ‘Too Much/Too Many’ next.
With everyday application, you will reach your ideal relationship, hence feeling more balanced. Consider which actions your could take as individuals or as a couple to move you closer to your balanced life.
Journal your actions on a daily basis to monitor your progress. Also, redraw your circle after a few months for new insights.
If you are seeking a more committed relationship find out your role in what you have now. Ask yourself challenging questions.
How do I play my role in maintaining a mutual love and respect?
Are there behaviours in me that could be causing frictions and the tensions?
What beliefs do I still uphold that are holding us back?
Do we have common goals and values?
What is working in our relationship?
Any changes I can begin to implement?
What actions can I take towards working on a better understanding?
Do not forget to mediate. Take sometime out to focus on clearing the clutter in your mind.
Otherwise, may I take this time to wish you a Happy Valentine.
Millions of British people suffer from a lack of energy, digestive discomfort and difficulty losing weight. Many also suffer from muscle and joint pain, skin problems, headaches, and even frequent colds.
“If you’re having any of these health issues, the real problem could be a gut poisoning syndrome,” says nutrition expert Raphael Perez.
According to Raphael Perez – who has studied the gut poisoning syndrome for more than 10 years – certain foods can cause tears in the intestinal lining. This, in turn, allows toxins to enter our body which leads to digestive issues, food cravings, fatigue, weight gain, and more health issues.
Fortunately, by simply stopping gut poisoning, Perez has seen thousands of people fight and reduce these disturbing problems.
“It’s easy. You just need to know what foods to avoid, ”he recently told a crowd of over 250 people, giving them a talk on bowel issues.
Now, for the very first time, doctor Raphael Perez has created a short video where he explains all about gut poisoning syndrome, including how people can naturally strengthen their gut, right from home.
“Good health is one of life’s toughest obstacles,” he explains. “So, if this video can help people achieve that, I’ll be thrilled to hear I was of help.”
The video has since gone viral, first being shared by users on Facebook, then being featured on news sites like Daily Mail and The Sun.
So far, the comments and feedback have been outstanding, with thousands of British people feeling better than they have in decades.
For me it was a no brainer as I love watching my body fight a good fight.
See, I previously bought items from Amazon, which was okay-ish, but why not go for better healthier option and potentially make money off it?
Just before I leave, I will share a funny story, at least it is funny to me.
So, when my colon formula arrived my friend was at home at the time. He wanted his to react fast, get results instantly, you know that generation, don’t you? Haha!
And so, rather than follow the instructions he mixed it up as he pleased. He ended up spending a good two hours in the wet room. I found it so funny as he said he was trying to get it work like what his grandmama gave him, and he loved it. Couldn’t stop laughing!
Anyway, I went for the whole program. That is the beauty of choice, he got what he wanted I got what I wanted, steady results.
I welcome any questions and would like to hear your thoughts.
Dr. Perez is a doctor renowned worldwide for his knowledge in natural medicine.
In his practice, he focuses on energy, well-being and weight management. For a decade, he has educated his patients and provided everyone with solutions based on scientific evidence and proven to work.
Isn’t it amazing attaining the success we seek and have people to share it with? After all we are not islands, right?
We are hardwired to have people around us. #Ubuntu.
So I will ask you again to allow me to revisit the topic about parents and healthy relationships in general.
Our parents, did the best they could, with whatever resources they had, to their best knowledge, to give us the life they never had. If you need to blame your parents for their shortcomings and you believe that it will make you feel better, then go ahead and do it, but, do not dwell on it, move away from it, forgive them, forget and build something new with them.
“If you haven’t forgiven yourself something,
how can you forgive others?”
(Note: This is only applicable to instances where there hasn’t been any extreme abuse that need professional therapy or help, otherwise read on )
Believe it to not, a man’s character is determined by how they treat others even when no one is watching.
Charity begins at home.
Start with your parents, give them what you would like your children to give you, that is love and acceptance. That is all we ever want.
Take some time and reestablish strong foundations with the people who sacrificed so much for you, from a point of meaning well but not knowing how to show it.
My personal experience (and relationship) with my mum is a deep affair. We had our share of dramas, it needs coffee and popcorns to indulge, but to be fair, I was a handful. However, for some crazy reason this flipped to the good side. Later on as an adult, every time I asked my mum to mention me in her prayers, they got answered, so for me I know my blessings pass through her and it humbles me so much. Some might assert that it is some sort of superstition but it works for me, it might as well be, so why not?
Nurturing Family Bonds
If there are people who can draw out the best in you… and the worst in you…in all possible ways… in the same breath, in the same sentence…then that would be family. They have very special powers over us.
Siblings can drive you to the wall grr! and parents…where do I even start?
But in times of crisis, the bond forged is unparalleled.
Take some steps back and monitor how the relationship you have with family has evolved. Notice the patterns and unhelpful behaviours formed over the years. Examine the roles you play in the dynamics of the relationships. What part do you play? Have you accepted that change is inevitable?
Banish blame. Read more about blaming effectively in my other articles about forgiveness.
Watch your language. It has the power to create or break.
Devise strategies to get out of arguments or defuse them immediately before they escalate.
Tip: Instead of spending time blaming and complaining about your parents for their past failures , why not just accept them for who they are, you turned out ok, or “ok-ish” anyway. For those who are in unsalvageable relationships, create your own family, find loving people who will “adopt” you as their own to act as your parents. There are people out there full of love to give, your job is to find them.
Ps: Giving up on our parents should be the very last resort, they tried with us let us do the same for them. It is a form of paying forward as our children we be watching the positive things we do and hopefully copy them.
In one of my YouTube videos I shared my story on how I got fleeced by family.
That story got a lot of my friends tell me some of theirs own experiences. I realised how mine was just child play.
I will make it into a 4 part weekly series, we can learn a thing or two from the stories, all I will do is change their names for obvious reasons.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
She has been away from home for nearly two decades but she can’t wait to get home for unusual reasons. She can’t wait to get home to teach her conning family a lesson. She is so anxious and using her own words “ I am contemplating on hiring a man with a machete”.
Today, I will share Lisa’s story.
Lisa is an East African diaspora in her 40s and lives with her husband Ben in the UK, they have no children together.
Nothing came easy for her, the only constant in her life was her resilience. Lisa had spent most of her resources battling her immigration status.
During this period it had always been work for her. Travelling was a big risk of never being allowed back into the country. Just like it is expected of her, she would deprive herself of wants to help her family, this meant miss family but just keep working for them.
The gods found favour in her and gave her a loving man, which also helped speed up her citizenship and improved their finances, they are doing well.
Prior to that she had managed to save and send home over £12,000 towards her dream red-bricked house, complete with a verandah and garage, the works. It was her back up plan or could serve as her retirement home.
Bear in mind, this money was aside from the monthly recurring upkeep she would send to her family.
Lisa has a close sister that she trusted. It made sense for the sister to oversee the building works.
Whist her dream home was underway, she also managed to pay for her brother’s course, operation of a crane course, something of that sort. A handy course that could help him and others around him.
Hate or love technology.
One beautiful day driving to work she received a phone call, using her handsfree, she answered. It was a whistleblower. She almost fainted from the call, behind the wheel. She had to pull over to the kerb. The person then asked her to check her WhatsApp as she was about to send to her some photos.
Lo! and behold.
Her brother preferred holidaying with his wife rather than studying. Leather bags were more appealing than cranes. He’s newly furnished home better than manoeuvring some middle aged equipment. Who wants to improve their lives anyway if it can come easily? Her red-brick home? Take a guess.
Forgiving is a big ask.
But a necessary one too. We do it for ourselves. You cannot take poison and hope the other person dies. Look after your mental wellbeing. Always put your gas mask on first before helping others.
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.
The articles I have been re-sharing from http://www.andreas.com were part of a series, I bet you deserve the whole juicy bits, don’t you?
“No one can make you inferior without your consent” – Eleanor Roosevelt.
“…Flies all over his face, the ground around his lower bottom wet, we all can assume what that means, more happy flies around his crouch.
He is blacked-out on that muddy ground oblivious of the people surrounding him, and watching him with so much curiosity and sadness.
No one knows for sure whether he will get up or not…”
That is Fred on the ground like his normal day.
Today I will share Fred’s story.
I said I will do a four part series and hope we learn from them, this is the second one.
My hope is that we learn a thing or two especially on forgiveness.
(I can vouch for this story. Name changed for privacy purposes)
Fred was the first born of a family of 5 children.
He had a brilliant mind that got him enrolled, through sponsorship, into an overseas University.
Fred ended up in Europe.
And as expected he ended up having lots of friends (and family) who needed his help. This the point where any remote relation is milked, if your cat and their cat has a kitten then you are related.
Like a typical diaspora he wasn’t exempted from being fleeced.
Straight from a standard textbook example…
Fred educated people who never bothered to go to school or take advantage of the opportunity. He helped people start businesses that they never bothered to see flourish.
Eventually, packing his bags he retired young, to a businesses of his that never actually existed, to properties, of his, that didn’t exist. He had been conned.
Trying so hard to be resilient, he managed to stay afloat got hitched and started a family.
Unfortunately for him, once people are used to handout there is no way out. (it is almost like joining the mafia, once in, no out) Everyone still expected him to fend for them, still looking upon him as the sole bread winner. No one really cared about his wellbeing. Our dog-eat-dog world.
He eventually gave up and gave in to alcohol or rather alcoholism as an escape.
To date alcohol is the only thing that understands him or should I say they understand each other. Such sad affairs!
So anyway, he drinks it for breakfast, lunch, supper, and any other meal needed until he hits the ground. No one knows for sure how long he will keep like this. But we can tell where it is headed.
So question for today…
Actually, there too many questions to ask it is confusing, disturbing, and quite frankly upsetting what we do to people as a society. Leaves a lot to be desired. It stinks.
Let us instead find out what I would like us to learn from this.
Look after yourself.
Look after your overall wellbeing, mental, physical and spiritual. I say this over and over again, you cannot look after others if you cannot look after yourself. You need to put your gas mask on first before helping even your own child. The reason being, if you haven’t established it yet, you are no good to anyone if you don’t look after yourself, not to you, not to your friends neither are you any good to your family.
Eat well, exercise, and meditate.
Learn to say NO. Don’t let people rush you to an early grave.
Pray for serenity. Know the difference of things you can change and those you just can’t. Call it attaining wisdom.
Find your tribe. Surrounding yourself with people who build you. People who want the best in you, those are your tribe. You are as good as the company you keep. After all birds of a feather flock together. Friends are the family we gift our self.
Forgive yourself. The one important think I learnt in my life is forgiving myself. It changed my life. I used to be so hard on myself on just about anything. Say for instance, if something is in your nature, say kindness and people taking advantage of that, forgive yourself for that, it unburdens you an helps you figure out how to manoeuvre around who you are and who you can be.
Let us learn to love one another. That was we would never put anyone in a tight situation that whence destroys them.
The above story is from a close contact needing help.
What we see here is that Fred should forgive himself then he will be able to forgive those who wronged him to move forward. It shouldn’t have gotten this far but yet it did. Once he does that, he will know he deserves much better. He will know to seek professional help, all will be clear to him.
And, it is never too late to start all over again, it is only sad never to try.
If you have any questions I am more than happy to answer them. Otherwise leave a comment and share the blog it could help someone somewhere.
I couldn’t help but imagine how a well established writers feel when they hit the dreaded writer’s block. They do have a lot of things riding on it, their reputation, their earnings, passion, hobby, the list goes on n on…
I have been writing a 4-part series of the plight of the diaspora in relation to being conned or misused by people they trusted. Mainly focusing on the things that we could learn. This is the fourth part or a semblance of one.
Here is the deal, I have some sort of writers block, yeah sort of. I would say that I fit the bill above but in my own league I did hit a block, of some sort.
You may have gathered by now that the story of the African diaspora can be summed as a case of “same script, different cast”
It is all in the semantics.
The stories are there indeed. Some totally heartbreaking.
For the diasporas opening up to me, it is more like rather feels like,
Wisdom warns us that experience should never be the only teacher, other people’s experiences should be good enough for us too.
Imagine for a moment, that you leave your support system for pastures greener than green.
You add bits and bobs to your life, spruce it up, spice it up, and sooner than later you are the rescue dog for the whole your community that you left behind.
You miss the company, the laughs, the ‘firsts’, the winding up, weddings, funerals, but life is about sacrifice right? Do the uncomfortable to gain the comfortable, they say.
The Three G’s
So, you learn to grit, grind, and to believe in grace. Triple G it.
But the people you do all these for, forget to perceive you as human being let alone family.
You are their cash cow, only they didn’t buy the cow.
They milk you dry, and some more.
So here is the other deal, rather than share more gruesome stories, just know whatever you think is so bad to do to family (even friends) has been done before.
Whatever you can imagine, has happened, after all their is nothing new under the sun. We can only pray that there will be a change of heart and this trend stops.
Diaspora or not, family or not, let us be mindful of other people’s mental wellbeing.
We are responsible of our own actions and that is what we are accountable for.
Love makes all things right and if we truly learn to love ourselves, we will love others and only good come out of that.
So today I will emphasis on boundaries and setting them.
“The way in which a person uses their true goodness is just like the way that trees are destroyed by the axe. Cut down day after day, how can the mind, any more than the tree, retain its beauty or continue to live”-Menciuos, 4th century, BC.
Establish boundaries and watch people naturally respect you. That is how we human beings are like. When someone is clear on the things that we can not get away withthen they earn our respect. Draw the line, a bold one, let people know things they can and can’t do to you.
The things are done to us only happen with our permission.
If at all you find yourself placing reasonable boundaries and, values that they can’t respect that, then maybe it is just about time to re-evaluate what benefit you get from that particular relationship.
Is it draining my energy?
Is it bringing you joy?
Do ask yourself such important questions to work out what needs to stay and what needs to leave.
“No one can make you inferior without your consent” Eleanor Roosevelt
In the same way no one can make you inferior, is the same way no one can take advantage of you without your permission, they might fool you once but twice??? Mmmh!
Here are some steps to follow before things get out of hand.
4 ways to stop being taken advantage of gracefully.
Inform– Inform the person of their actions that you would like for them to stop.They might not even be aware of the harm they cause or of their behaviour so it is a fair chance.
Request– Ask them to stop, at this point any sound person should know better. Though we don’t cease to surprise.
Demand– If the above didn’t work then at this point insist on wanting them to stop and let them know of what actions you will take if they didn’t
Action– To ensure that they know that they were not just issuing empty threats, do take action. Whatever you said you would do this is the point where you exercise it.
For a practical example, this could concern anyone not just the diaspora, toavoid distressor future drama.
If someone keeps on asking you for let’s say money, even though they may know your situation very well.
“ Oh I know you don’t have any cash right now, but if you get a little extra money please send me some.”
This could make you feel like they don’t believe you in the first place.
But again, We know sometimes how some people get, you confide to them about your situation but they always manage to still ask.
Informthem that you don’t appreciate the pressure they are putting on you especially when they know your current financial struggle.
If they continue, like some would, requestthem to stop.
“Can you please stop asking me for money as it is putting pressure in our relationship”
“I insistthat you stop asking me for money or else I will have to end this relationship, it is already draining me.
If they persist just end it. They are not after your overall well being. They don’t care about you.
Without a family, man, alone in the world, trembles with a cold.
I sat there in awe, listening attentively as Faith told her story with such bravery.
(I must confess, I have this habit of wanting to help my friends, it is just a thing. I had to ask my mentor whether it was normal thing. He then told me that he also helps anyone that needs it regardless of their relationship. At first, I used to be that person that dishes out advice without even asking permission, then I learnt to respect boundaries and the friendship first. We come along way, don’t we? In coaching it is best too leave family and friends out)
“I got to her house after years of missing her so much, my sister, my best friend.
She knew how much I loved her, I thought I knew how much she loved me too. To me, sisters love and care for each other. Period.
My best friend had a newly furnished modern house, she had never worked, her husband didn’t work either, not for years and yet they had kids and lived a lavish lifestyle. I wasn’t jealous, I don’t think I was, but I came to a realisation. Sighs!
I pictured my life as a diaspora and that is when it hit me. I silently cried so much that night in her house. After that something within my core instantly changed.
You see back then I lived a modest life. I had sacrificed so much including pursuing my education for others. I lived on just the basics, literally bare necessities. Never went anywhere. After years of saving and loans I decided to give my family a big beautiful surprise visit. Only the surprise was on me’’ She then laughed.
I watched her keenly observing all her movements, trying to pick all those subtle messages from her body language. I would conclude that she looked like someone who was at peace with her current life, and herself. I guess what I was observing is whether she harbours any negativity or resentment of some sorts.
Faith like many others had heard about my video on how I got fleeced and so she decided to share her own story. Like cliche would have it, this was not her only rodeo, she had also been conned severally trying to purchase properties back in her home town. Not todays story.
“My understanding is that my best friend decided against going to University as she had wanted, she instead had decided to take the easy life of relying on my handouts.
As I was on holiday I decided to let it go. So what hurt me the most was whilst I stayed at hers, I paid for everything including the food and all the transports to the places we visited for the whole family plus more. Money was running out fast and she knew.
That was still ok, we were having fun. One fine day we argued over something so petty that escalated so fast, from 0 to 100 in seconds. She proceeded to shouted at me in front of her kids like I was a nobody, past wrongs got mentioned, she was carrying so much bitterness in her, and at no point was she remorseful for what she had done to me, too cut the long story short I have never received any apologies from her for my wasted cash. Am I waiting?
No! I decided to look after myself and always think of me and my needs first. Helping is good but not if detrimental.
My obsession isn’t just to share painful stories from amazing people but to learn from them.
Have you heard people joke about how families would be perfect without any other members? It is easy to joke about it especially when they are driving you crazy and you are only trying to use humour to cope.
We need each other. Ubuntu- I am because we are.
Most precious and memorable moments come from being around people we love, however annoying they might be at times.
Love is the greatest gift of all, it gives us all the bittersweet challenges.
“Love is of God”
Create a relationship with yourself.
The only constant in all your relationships, the once you have and ever will have is,YOU.In all those arguments, fleecing whatnots with friends, with families, workmates, the only repetitive thing is your presence in them. YOU. Hard to accept right?
That is why it is very important to work on yourself. No-one else will always be there for you but yourself, even your children will grow up and your relationship with them will change. Everything changes expect change itself.
Build yourself esteem. When you love and respect yourself enough, and when you have self-confidence, then you will have boundaries put in place that people will respect and honour. Learn to feel secure in your place in the world, how you interact with the world, how you face challenges even in the toughest of times.
Live a conscious life-Beware that your thoughts affect your surroundings. They affect how you interact with others and can influence how people treat you. Live a healthy life, your health is your wealth.
Work on self-development-Develop your self-acceptance, self-responsibility, and self-assertiveness. Understand you will experience setbacks and that is okay, forgive yourself, be accountable of your own actions, express yourself effectively. No-one has control over other people’s actions.
Understand your values and live in alignment with them-Your values affect your choice of work, your home life and relationships you keep.
Nurture family bounds–Stop blaming others for ruining your day or your life. Devise strategies to defuse disagreements and conflicts. Set firm boundaries they will love you more not less.
When we sacrifice to give to others then what we are in fact doing is telling the universe we don’t have enough. You are sending the wrong message, a message of lack.
It can be extremely difficult to attract the success we seek without friends and family, if you don’t have any go out and create your own, go and find your people.
The more successful we become the more help we need.
It is ok to end toxic hopeless relationships that drain you.