Get Them Off-They Are Not Your People

Get Off..

Getting the balance right between give and take in any relationship is a pickle. It is one of the biggest causes of discontentment. One of the hardest thing that we ever have to do in life, is to accept that not everyone needs to be in our journey. Yes, some people just have to alight!

Life is a journey, and the beauty of it is in the ride, not so much the destination. We meet beautiful people, travel to amazing places, have amazing experiences and the works. However, one thing for sure is that the ride isn’t smooth. But, as they say, we only take our experiences beyond this, beyond life as we know it.

 

Scrub the old skin off…

I have had an amazing year, but part of it meant losing some old self, more like shading off the “old skin”. If you are like many of us, we tend to save the old skin, moisturise it, steam it and mask it, but what we forget is that sometimes we just need to scrub it all off. I scrubbed and met liberation.

Following?

What I am trying to say is that, sometimes as we move forward to our best versions possible, there will be a need to leave some friends and families behind. Easy? far from it. It is the hardest thing you will ever have to do in life, but a very necessary evil.

 

You have to accept that some people stay in our lives to stall us, to suck our energies, suck the blood out of our living veins, they are there to remind us of the versions of ourselves we are trying so hard to get rid off. These people have to go. OUT!!!

They are not your people.

Your relationship with the people around you provide the main ingredient for living well. Everything matters and prevention is better than cure.

  • Live consciously: Beware of the power of our thoughts. Remember thoughts becomes things.
  • Self-acceptance: Once you love yourself well enough, no one can penetrate that wall with empty promises.
  • Assertiveness: Discover the power of your voice and voicing your concerns in a healthy way.

Read more about creating healthy boundaries and relationships in my other articles.

Above all, look after yourself, like you have heard time and time again, put on your gas mask first before helping others.

 

Goodluck.

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

Denial-Families Affected By Alzheimer’s Disease

Dementia

Learning is a journey
I have never been so much of a writer, and I do have very lousy days when my grammar goes all sloppy ( irks the the grammar enthusiasts, relax we really are not coming out of this alive) That said, even with its sloppiness, it does something amazing to my soul (and state of mind) so writing it is.

My Experience

I would like to talk about dementia and how it affects us.
But, before I get to the nitty-gritty of it there is this quote that I find soothing to my weary soul in its “valley” days;
“ What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognise it as such”
Henry Miller.
First and foremost we have to remember that I am not a medical practitioner or and expert in this field. But I work in the healthcare field and have done some research so as to share with others. Watch this live that we did about “Dementia”
In the recent months, my mum has gone missing twice, the last one was for a whole week. It was devastating. Don’t panic, she is safe now. My mum has dementia, same condition that took her mum. So guess who is probably next in line?…
Watching a loved one confused, wretched and unable to articulate what happened to her during the period that she went missing is nothing short of heartbreaking. It makes you look at life in a different way and make you want to improve yourself in all manner of ways.
When I first noticed that my mum was showing signs of mild dementia,I brought it to light. Note that such conditions are not yet understood in our society. The reception wasn’t a surprise, or was it? I heard things like, “Then how comes she never forgets it when she is promised money” Sad, right?

What is Dementia

Dementia is a syndrome associated with an progressive decline of brain functioning.

Alzheimer’s disease is a type of dementia and like the majority of us, I always got it confused.

Symptoms of Dementia

Dementia symptoms may include problems with:

  • Memory loss
  • Thinking speed
  • Mental sharpness and quickness
  • Language, such as using words incorrectly, or trouble speaking
  • Understanding
  • Judgement
  • Mood
  • Movement
  • Difficulties doing daily activities
There are several types of dementia depending on which part of the brain it affects and different causes (my mother’s is diabetics induced). Remember too that, it affects people differently, with time people forget how to walk, talk and do every day activities altogether.

Coping

A problem shared is a problem halved

 

  • Develop a strong social network/support; Have healthy relationships and join support forums and groups. Engage a coach and/or go for therapy and counselling.
  • Increase your awareness; Like they say knowledge is power, and knowledge applied, superpower.
  • Schedule regular self-care; We have come a long way from what we thought this meant. Your mental wellbeing is your everything.

Be on the look for signs that you are not coping well e.g poor time management, beginning to be late for everything most of the time, exhaustion, frequent colds and coughs, unusual feeling of demotivation.

 

Reach out, I will be more than happy to share my own journey with you. Otherwise leave a comment about your own knowledge and experience.

 

Thank you.

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

 

Source: NHS About Dementia 

Is Perfectionism a Myth?

To do list with no input

So the Olympics 2020 is over, have you been left thirsting for more or is just yet another event like any other? I love the inspiration the Olympians carry, the energy and dedication, the hard work, the competing against the best of the best, Just wow!  

They must be missing it.

Perfectionism

I have been busy, rather productively busy, didn’t follow much of it and couldn’t even blog. For me this, writing, is the ultimate remedy to everything life throws at me.

 

I have a question. What is your perfectionism introspection?

I once was the one to dwell on things hence procrastinate about it, it wasn’t good unless it was perfect. For me, nothing got done. Ideas faded. Work? overdue. We find that some people excel in perfection, evidently not me.

Done is better…

And so I embraced the notion “Done is better than perfect” learnt it from Jim Kwik. I must confess that it is never always easy especially on matters close to my heart. For instance my house, it is on a cycle mode, arrange, rearrange, arrange, rearrange the rearrangement, you get my point.

So let me tell you something if you never get things done that could be caused by your perfectionism conviction.

Reason differently

  • Check your underlying beliefs, are they limiting? Do they make you self-doubt and wonder what everybody is thinking?
  • If you do have limiting beliefs, remould them to work for you because most of them are just lies you tell yourself.
  • Fixed mindset tends to stop us from exploring and learning from our mistakes. We might not even want to make them (mistakes) in the first place.
  • Mistakes are not failures. (Wish they taught me that in school, I instead got a red pen screaming how terribly I tried) Mistakes are learning curves, they are growth. Essentially, there is no such thing as failure but just a matter of failure to learn.
  • It’s not anyone’s job to accept you as you are, it is your job. Your job is to love you first, love what you do, enjoy what you do. Perfectionism ruins the fun.

There is this excerpt I would like to share from Kwik Learning.

“We live in day and age where perfectionism is considered a virtue. In every sphere of our lives, we are told that there is a perfect state of matter and we need to try to upgrade to it. There’s the perfect body shape, the perfect job, the perfect wedding, the perfect salary figure, the perfect score and so on.

That surely means those people who constantly thrive to get everything right and perfect and try harder and harder are actually on the correct track, right?

Wrong.

Perfectionism may be praised by all and sundry, but your brain will be much better off without it. In fact, more and more studies in the relevant fields are coming to the conclusion that this ‘virtue’ is directly related to the rise of mental health issues and suicidal tendencies across the globe.

Perfection is a myth

Here’s the thing about perfection – it does not exist. Our brain does not recognize perfection because it is entirely built on social expectations; nothing in the world is inherently ‘perfect’.

Hence, perfectionism is basically holding oneself to unrealistic standards, a heightened form of self-criticism. It has more to do with how you view yourself than with the actual demands of your goal. When they encounter setbacks, perfectionists do not think “I need to go about this in a different way”. They think “I’m stupid and that’s why I failed.”

As a result, most perfectionists end up never achieving their specific goals, because in the process they actually harm the one thing that will help them achieve it – their brain.

Perfectionism is self-defeating

Every human is born with their unique capacity. When you push your brain past its capacity to attain an unrealistic goal, it does not perform better; instead, it goes into survival mode. Here, our brain’s instinctive response can be of three types – fight, flight, or freeze.

The fight response is when you keep on working harder. This will inevitably lead to burn out as your brain is already super-exhausted. For example, if you are worried that you’ll fail a test and stay up the night studying, you’ll either fall asleep during the test or be so exhausted that you won’t be able to perform well.

Freeze is when you are completely overpowered by the situation and your brain stops working altogether. Needless to say, you are no closer to achieving your goal by this either.

Flight is the most common response. Perfectionists tend to put off doing something from the fear of failure or not being able to do it ‘perfectly’. They will prepare for weeks and months, waste time on ‘research’, do everything but actually starting the work. That might look like laziness from the outside, but it is the perfectionist’s brain’s way of protecting itself from more stress.

All in all, you end up believing you are not good enough to achieve this goal.

 

Click here to read more about it.

Is perfectionism a myth?

 

Thank you and good luck!

Photos by Pexels.

Youtube Channel.

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

Blindspots

Judging Others

Funny how we tend to forget that we all have blindspots. So easy, to judge others based on the things that they can’t see for themselves, those things that seem ‘obvious’ to us.

” I give up, you mean they can’t see how they’re sabotaging and blocking their lives?” We retort.

Here is the deal, we all have blindspots and unconscious habits or patterns that we are not aware of. It is not the end of the world though, we can all find them and eliminate them

 

At one point came to a junction and bumped into my blindspot. For so many years by best friend tried to point it out to me. I never saw it, I was too blind to see, so to speak. It was there and it was obvious. I had been in a toxic friendship for way too long. This relationship would have me blocked from any form of communication, be it phone, social media platforms etc. This happened every so often. The real problem here was that I loved too much. I justified it by saying it was just part and parcel of relationships. I would tell myself they are just protecting their “bubble’ not realising it was me who was getting the short straw. A raw bargain.

 

Imagine chatting to someone and thinking that everything was ok to wake up the next morning to no show.

Disappeared! Kaboom! Now you see me, now you don’t.

 

This person understood me, and understood perfect timing. Narcissist? Possibly. They would wait for things cool off and just like that they slip their way back to my life (mostly for something) like nothing happened. Never taking the blame, never apologising.

 

Awareness

Forgiving yourself for being human is one powerful transformation anyone could ever encounter. I embrace my humanly flaws it is the beauty of what makes me, me. Always listen to the said and the unsaid, to become more aware of your blindspots. Some may be harmless but others just create blockage.

 

Goodluck to you if it is family.

 

Remember: Boundaries are meant to protect you. Use them in healthy ways and wisely not to cause unnecessary pain (and evil) to loved ones and yourself.

PS: Mindfulness is a great tool to calm the mind and help us be more aware. Use a coach to bridge the gap between where you are now and where you want to be.

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

Photos by Pexels.com

 

 

Procrastinating Purposefully- Life Coaching

Life Coach

True and authentic life coaching comes from within ourselves. It might be fine and exciting to have a guru “psychoanalyse” your life, but you have the capabilities in you to effect change.

A life coach is great, having seen its effect in my life, I advocate for it. Coaching lets you bask in the comfort of knowing you can “fix” your life, so why not. The tricky job is you making to sure these fixes are not just elegant and beautiful wall deco for your life. Unlearn, Relearn, then practice.

 Jeni Purdie, “Life coaching is a purposeful conversation that inspires you to create your best life”

Negative Self-talk.

Force of habit does not allow us to happily change to our better self hence the negative self-talk come out to play. The monkey chats.

What are they?

These are the conversations that we love having with ourselves, and I mean the negative ones. We love our little non-productive chit-chats. The ones that demotivate you. Make you self-doubt your actions. Halt you AKA procrastinate.

Make them purposeful.

What you resist, persists.

All you need to do is make them more meaningful and purposeful. Next time you don’t feel like doing anything, relax and find out why. With you coach you can make use of life coaching by asking appropriate questions.

For instance you could ask;

Why do you act the way you do?

Why don’t you want to get out of your settee?

Is there a reason behind the procrastinating?

What are your limiting beliefs?

Do you have any options and what are they? etc

So, basically life coaching leaves you with answers. It should leaves you refreshed, inspired and allow you to dream even bigger.

It is what will make you understand your values, your “whys”, and get you doing things you never thought possible.

I would like to be the one who joins you on that amazing journey, the beginning of the rest of your life.

For a change to last it has to come from deep within yourself. Remember, some people way talented than you are doing amazing things. Join the new self-believing and confident go-getters.

 

Tips:

  • You have to recognise and rejoice in those baby steps you make.
  • Meditation helps refresh the mind and jump-start it.

NB:

Procrastination is the act of delaying or postponing a task or set of tasks. So, whether you refer to it as procrastination or akrasia or something else, it is the force that prevents you from following through on what you set out to do. Read more from James Clear’s article “Procrastination”

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

Oneness- What is Spirituality?

There are some questions that no one should ever answer for you. These questions include and by far not limited to;

What is success?

How does a perfect marriage look like? and

What is spirituality? amongst many other person-oriented aspects of life..

What is spirituality?

Spirituality is complex. To simply it, for me it is the connection, or reconnection with oneness. It is the returning to love, which by no surprise is the greatest power there ever was. Spirituality is the reason I am in constant awe, the seeking and pursue of purpose, awe-ful!!!

It is my “Why”. My why I give, and my why I am receptive of receiving. My “How” I get things done. My role and responsibility, the get out of bed, eat healthy, share with other. It makes me stay in the now, reduces my anxieties and my worries.

 

Accessing spirituality.

 

I am not the one that seeks buildings or institutions to feel connected, I found my own version that fits my life and values. At one point in my life, like many of us sometimes experience, I was so low that nothing but the supernatural could have brought me out of it. I learned a very important skill at a very important time in my life, the power of forgiving myself.

With this power came liberation. My life dramatically changed. I forgave myself of my past, the choices and the consequences they carried, my flaws and mistakes. This gave me such amazing clarity, I attained divine peace and love like anything I had seen before. That is spirituality to me.

 

Exploring spirituality

Needless to say, as you rediscover what spirituality means to you remember these tips below, but above all remember to love you.

1. Be authentic to yourself. Do not define spirituality based solely on institutions you were brought up in, or other people’s religion or faith. Find your own path and keep seeking purpose. Like any other thing in self-development, it requires practice, give time, time!!!

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.” Abraham Lincoln

Have some secluded time each day, or week or even month to reconnect with your inner being. I find yoga and meditation working for me. I don’t do anything extreme yet.

2. Birds of a feather. Surround yourself with people who feed your urge to grow spiritually. We are an average for the 5 people we spend the most time with, remember?

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Jim Rohn

 

 

3. THINK. Put people first, then money, then fame. Ask yourself these gatekeepers questions of life before you speak…

T- is it True

H- is it Helpful

I- is it Inspiring

N- is it Necessary

K- is it Kind

4. Limiting Beliefs. Find out what beliefs are holding you back, those that are not aligned with your values. What are some of the limiting beliefs you have, do you know them?

5. You are a mortal. Accept yourself as a human, warts and all. Forgive yourself, be kind and gentle to yourself hence making it a lot easier being kind to others. Loop from heaven.

6. Other options. Use a mentor, spiritual leader or life coach to explore your spiritual journey with you.

 

Whatever you do, you come first.

 

 

Goodluck

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

 

A Comfortable Is (Very) Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable Today

A rollercoaster ride would be far much better choice than sacrifices we need for a better future.

“Uncomfortable for a comfortable tomorrow”? What does it mean? (I hope you have heard this phrase before) It basically means that, we have to endure some changes to have our dream future.

Albeit Einstein is credited for saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”

 

Change is Inevitable

Change is inevitable and is very uncomfortable.

There are days when the last thing you want to do is use your “last” energy to go for a jog or cook healthy meals or blog…just kidding, am I?

Making any change is hard, but what is even harder is having to choice the right thing every single day.

 

Here are some tips on staying on top of the game.

  1. Realise the stage in life you are in, affects your attitudes towards change. What this means is that a person in there 70s might not embrace change like they did when they were in there 20s. Know the stage and be gentle to yourself. Just because you are having a bad day, or week or month doesn’t account for who you are as a whole.
  2. Let go of things that do not serve you. Certain habits just make it even harder to embrace change. For instance, if you like drinking alcohol before bed, but you know very well the whole of your next morning will be ruined. The morning will entail nursing a hangover and moaning the whole day, that in itself should be an indicator that you should stay away from the drinking. You know jogging (insert that which applies) will not be happening as long as you continue drinking alcohol before bed.
  3. Be forgiving (and again gentle) to yourself. Some radical changes, however positive, can take one into a process similar to bereavement. Give yourself time to grieve and be kind to the person that matters the most, you.
  4. Above all, never give up. Keep making small steps towards the good, give time, time. Consistency does it.

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

My Not So Free Magazine- Intergrity

Back To Normal-ish

With the shops now opened in England, we are spoiling ourselves rotten. I have popped in a few shops myself, over the last couple of weeks.

I love my books, magazines, you name it… just about anything that could potentially quench my curious nature (Or maybe just easily bored self)

Today as I went through my latest and newest collections, I found a “weird” looking magazine. I had no recollection of where it came from. That in itself intrigued me and baffled me even further. Grabbed my cup of coffee, sat down and made myself comfortable with my throw. But then, it became stranger and stranger. This magazine had actual content in it, if you know what I mean, it is not something anyone would forget buying. (Oopsy!)

Not So Free

My initial hope was that I was about to drool and feast on what’s new in our shop. Nope, not with this magazine. Checked it out and that is when I realised that it did have the price printed on it. It costed £1.99. I really don’t remember buying it let alone paying for it.

As I jogged my memory, I remembered an incident that happened recently. Had  picked up a “free” magazine

from one of the shops on my way out.  That is where one expects the shop’s catalogue usually is, isn’t it? All I can now recall is a lady looking at me and I assumed that she did because she loved my newly dyed blonde hair. Smiled and continued my way.

Here is the pickle, I can’t take it back to pay for it, as I have no idea from where I picked it up from. It doesn’t say, my memory is beyond wits. So I have to deal with the guilt for quite a long time until I either forget about it or figure it out, whichever comes first.

Integrity ( & Character )

Integrity this is the ability to do the right thing even when no-one is watching. It is the one thing we need to safeguard with all our might. A person of high value is able to build lasting and sustainable systems and leave a legacy behind. Be it in their family, business or whatever interactions they have.

No one tells us or demands of us to be of exceptional character, it is a choice we have to make day in, day out.

  • It is what makes as smile at the bus driver.
  • Open the door to that elderly lady.
  • Apologise for forgetting being on the wrong lane.
  • Take back that extra apple the grocery man accidentally gave you.

You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.

-Henry Ford

If you want to live an extraordinary life, do extraordinary things and be extraordinary.

 

That said what should I do?

 

Take Care!

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann

 

We Learn Everyday-My Linktree

Tips To Looking Forward To Each Day

 

“One thing I can get excited about today is…”

That is something I have to reflect upon every single morning before I wake up, and I love it.  “The High Performance Planner”  is a journal I bought recently that help me set the tone for my day before I can even sneeze, achew! I think it is amazing to dig into my brains to find something to be excited about.

So interestingly, I have indeed been bumping into exciting things. My latest one, was my beauty and wellness store, it is up and running. As one would expect, you get all the training one needs. With all these trainings, I learned about Linktree.

 

What is Linktree? Can I just copy paste it for you from Wikipedia?

(…Founded in 2016, it is made to provide a landing page for a person or company’s entire associated links in social media, which rarely allows linking multiple sites. The site was inspired by the developers’ annoyance with social media, in which it can’t allow multiple hyperlinks…)

Downright, professional…

Look forward to your day

How does one find something to look forward to, every flaming day!!!

Amazing how quickly our lives can become all grey and gloomy, how it can end up with not even a spot of colour.

Our culture celebrates and advocates for waiting for that vacation, that degree, that spouse, that…that…yawn!

Splash! Some colour, don’t wait  for”that thing,” quit waiting.

 

Tips;

  • Be open to learning a new thing everyday, say yes to life.
  • As a bear minimum, you need just one thing to look forward to everyday, success is about abundance remember?
  • Take a moment to reflect on your ideal day in details from the moment you wake up.
  • Practice self-care
  • Keep a heart full of gratitude.

Take Care

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

Ps:

I don’t earn any commission for the recommendation.

Check out my Linktree here

 

Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover-Quick to Judge

“What seems nasty, painful and even evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength. If faced with an open mind, every moment is a golden one for anyone who has the vision to recognise it as such.” 

Henry Miller 

It is all good, even the bad (stuff) 

 Something interestingly weird happened to me this week and I just have to share it. 

 You know how much easier it is to have a positive mindset when everything is working, right?  But, in order to appreciate life and its beauty we have to experience the good, and their opposites. That’s what we call living to the fullest. 

  Thank you all for those who have been following my blogs and videos on YouTube. You probably must have heard me mention my hearing loss quite a few times (Allow me not to repeat the ordeal today, it gets tiresome and boring)  

We are so quick to judge.  

Before I embark on my story. 

 Have you ever felt judged? Ever got the feeling someone hardly knew you but they already created a presumption of you? Have you ever caught someone off guard when they let slip of what they think of you? 

Munchausen’s syndrome 

Presumptions (or prejudgements) obviate the need to genuinely get to know someone. 

(Munchausen’s syndrome is a psychological disorder where someone pretends to be ill) 

 

The biggest “Oopsy” Moment 

 Let me tell you what happened to me just a few days ago. 

Some human being had an “Oopsy!” moment. 

This person was trying to show me something but as they did so something slipped and it showed their previous conversation, about me. As a blogger it has to go down on pen and paper, in my case keyboard and screen. 

This “Oopsy!” showed the conversation they had had with someone else regarding my hearing, this person believed that it was all made up.  

 The conversation stated that I was probably not hard-of-hearing at all as I claim to be. And yes, the conversation lingered on the screen long enough for me to read it. I was being good, focussed, and concentrating on what was being shown to me rather than the presumptuous comments about me. 

 As much as I understand that some people lie about such things, sickness, I was left wondering what they thought I stand to gain by my lying. 

The bad 

Presumptions can be a killer. 

Pretend? Why would I pretend about a medical condition? 

I am the only one who totally understands how this affects me, and has over the years. No one else will ever understand my journey better than I do. The opportunities I missed, the bruising of my confidence, having a child who had to learn how to shout. Pretend? Even my very current further studies application took longer than necessary. The tutors had no idea how I would manage in the noisy environment and hence needed my assurance. I felt drilled just to make it through. At some point I even thought they were considering pulling out. Pretend? 

The Good 

Good thing I am equipped with life coaching resources and knowledge now. I am far from the person I was years ago, all young and naive. Did it hurt? Of course, it did, I am not made of steel just because I choose positivity. Could it have taken me back to dark ages? Possibly, not. It is all about my mindset. I now know how to create my ideal life which has got nothing to do with what people think of me, but what I think of myself. 

Silver lining 

I came from not wanting to wear any hearing aids to have state of the art type. I started off by trying the free hearing aids but they never worked for me. So, when one judges, it hurts. So far, I have spent over £5k on hearing aids, bad for my pocket, good for my ears. My newest one has Bluetooth and has helped transform my life to have a semblance of normalcy.  

 Yeah, before you judge anyone ask yourself what you stand to gain. If it doesn’t serve you and doesn’t serve the victim, ditch it. It was an accident I was never meant to ever know but it could have been avoided. 

Don’t judge a book by its cover.  

I spent over 10 years of my life rebuilding what I thought was broken, revamping my confidence, and such a small mistake, if allowed, could ruin everything I have ever worked hard for.   

Hold your judgement beautiful people. Hold your judgement. 

 

Ps: Writing is such a therapy. I have lived to tell my truth. 

Take care. Be good.  

Photo Credit: Ekaterina Bolovtsova, Andrea Piacquadio and cottonbro from Pexels

  

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021