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Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover-Quick to Judge

“What seems nasty, painful and even evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength. If faced with an open mind, every moment is a golden one for anyone who has the vision to recognise it as such.” 

Henry Miller 

It is all good, even the bad (stuff) 

 Something interestingly weird happened to me this week and I just have to share it. 

 You know how much easier it is to have a positive mindset when everything is working, right?  But, in order to appreciate life and its beauty we have to experience the good, and their opposites. That’s what we call living to the fullest. 

  Thank you all for those who have been following my blogs and videos on YouTube. You probably must have heard me mention my hearing loss quite a few times (Allow me not to repeat the ordeal today, it gets tiresome and boring)  

We are so quick to judge.  

Before I embark on my story. 

 Have you ever felt judged? Ever got the feeling someone hardly knew you but they already created a presumption of you? Have you ever caught someone off guard when they let slip of what they think of you? 

Munchausen’s syndrome 

Presumptions (or prejudgements) obviate the need to genuinely get to know someone. 

(Munchausen’s syndrome is a psychological disorder where someone pretends to be ill) 

 

The biggest “Oopsy” Moment 

 Let me tell you what happened to me just a few days ago. 

Some human being had an “Oopsy!” moment. 

This person was trying to show me something but as they did so something slipped and it showed their previous conversation, about me. As a blogger it has to go down on pen and paper, in my case keyboard and screen. 

This “Oopsy!” showed the conversation they had had with someone else regarding my hearing, this person believed that it was all made up.  

 The conversation stated that I was probably not hard-of-hearing at all as I claim to be. And yes, the conversation lingered on the screen long enough for me to read it. I was being good, focussed, and concentrating on what was being shown to me rather than the presumptuous comments about me. 

 As much as I understand that some people lie about such things, sickness, I was left wondering what they thought I stand to gain by my lying. 

The bad 

Presumptions can be a killer. 

Pretend? Why would I pretend about a medical condition? 

I am the only one who totally understands how this affects me, and has over the years. No one else will ever understand my journey better than I do. The opportunities I missed, the bruising of my confidence, having a child who had to learn how to shout. Pretend? Even my very current further studies application took longer than necessary. The tutors had no idea how I would manage in the noisy environment and hence needed my assurance. I felt drilled just to make it through. At some point I even thought they were considering pulling out. Pretend? 

The Good 

Good thing I am equipped with life coaching resources and knowledge now. I am far from the person I was years ago, all young and naive. Did it hurt? Of course, it did, I am not made of steel just because I choose positivity. Could it have taken me back to dark ages? Possibly, not. It is all about my mindset. I now know how to create my ideal life which has got nothing to do with what people think of me, but what I think of myself. 

Silver lining 

I came from not wanting to wear any hearing aids to have state of the art type. I started off by trying the free hearing aids but they never worked for me. So, when one judges, it hurts. So far, I have spent over £5k on hearing aids, bad for my pocket, good for my ears. My newest one has Bluetooth and has helped transform my life to have a semblance of normalcy.  

 Yeah, before you judge anyone ask yourself what you stand to gain. If it doesn’t serve you and doesn’t serve the victim, ditch it. It was an accident I was never meant to ever know but it could have been avoided. 

Don’t judge a book by its cover.  

I spent over 10 years of my life rebuilding what I thought was broken, revamping my confidence, and such a small mistake, if allowed, could ruin everything I have ever worked hard for.   

Hold your judgement beautiful people. Hold your judgement. 

 

Ps: Writing is such a therapy. I have lived to tell my truth. 

Take care. Be good.  

Photo Credit: Ekaterina Bolovtsova, Andrea Piacquadio and cottonbro from Pexels

  

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021 

A Comfortable Is (Very) Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable Today

A rollercoaster ride would be far much better choice than sacrifices we need for a better future.

“Uncomfortable for a comfortable tomorrow”? What does it mean? (I hope you have heard this phrase before) It basically means that, we have to endure some changes to have our dream future.

Albeit Einstein is credited for saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”

 

Change is Inevitable

Change is inevitable and is very uncomfortable.

There are days when the last thing you want to do is use your “last” energy to go for a jog or cook healthy meals or blog…just kidding, am I?

Making any change is hard, but what is even harder is having to choice the right thing every single day.

 

Here are some tips on staying on top of the game.

  1. Realise the stage in life you are in, affects your attitudes towards change. What this means is that a person in there 70s might not embrace change like they did when they were in there 20s. Know the stage and be gentle to yourself. Just because you are having a bad day, or week or month doesn’t account for who you are as a whole.
  2. Let go of things that do not serve you. Certain habits just make it even harder to embrace change. For instance, if you like drinking alcohol before bed, but you know very well the whole of your next morning will be ruined. The morning will entail nursing a hangover and moaning the whole day, that in itself should be an indicator that you should stay away from the drinking. You know jogging (insert that which applies) will not be happening as long as you continue drinking alcohol before bed.
  3. Be forgiving (and again gentle) to yourself. Some radical changes, however positive, can take one into a process similar to bereavement. Give yourself time to grieve and be kind to the person that matters the most, you.
  4. Above all, never give up. Keep making small steps towards the good, give time, time. Consistency does it.

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

My Not So Free Magazine- Intergrity

Back To Normal-ish

With the shops now opened in England, we are spoiling ourselves rotten. I have popped in a few shops myself, over the last couple of weeks.

I love my books, magazines, you name it… just about anything that could potentially quench my curious nature (Or maybe just easily bored self)

Today as I went through my latest and newest Reading magacollections, I found a “weird” looking magazine. I had no recollection of where it came from. That in itself intrigued me and baffled me even further. Grabbed my cup of coffee, sat down and made myself comfortable with my throw. But then, it became stranger and stranger. This magazine had actual content in it, if you know what I mean, it is not something anyone would forget buying. (Oopsy!)

Not So Free

My initial hope was that I was about to drool and feast on what’s new in our shop. Nope, not with this magazine. Checked it out and that is when I realised that it did have the price printed on it. It costed £1.99. I really don’t remember buying it let alone paying for it.

As I jogged my memory, I remembered an incident that happened recently. Had  picked up a “free” magazine

from one of the shops on my way out.  That is where one expects the shop’s catalogue usually is, isn’t it? All I can now recall is a lady looking at me and I assumed that she did because she loved my newly dyed blonde hair. Smiled and continued my way.

Here is the pickle, I can’t take it back to pay for it, as I have no idea from where I picked it up from. It doesn’t say, my memory is beyond wits. So I have to deal with the guilt for quite a long time until I either forget about it or figure it out, whichever comes first.

Integrity ( & Character )

Integrity this is the ability to do the right thing even when no-one is watching. It is the one thing we need to safeguard with all our might. A person of high value is able to build lasting and sustainable systems and leave a legacy behind. Be it in their family, business or whatever interactions they have.

No one tells us or demands of us to be of exceptional character, it is a choice we have to make day in, day out.

  • It is what makes as smile at the bus driver.
  • Open the door to that elderly lady.
  • Apologise for forgetting being on the wrong lane.
  • Take back that extra apple the grocery man accidentally gave you.

You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.

-Henry Ford

If you want to live an extraordinary life, do extraordinary things and be extraordinary.

 

That said what should I do?

 

Take Care!

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann

 

We Learn Everyday-My Linktree

Tips To Looking Forward To Each Day

 

“One thing I can get excited about today is…”

That is something I have to reflect upon every single morning before I wake up, and I love it.  “The High Performance Planner”  is a journal I bought recently that help me set the tone for my day before I can even sneeze, achew! I think it is amazing to dig into my brains to find something to be excited about.

So interestingly, I have indeed been bumping into exciting things. My latest one, was my beauty and wellness store, it is up and running. As one would expect, you get all the training one needs. With all these trainings, I learned about Linktree.

 

What is Linktree? Can I just copy paste it for you from Wikipedia?

(…Founded in 2016, it is made to provide a landing page for a person or company’s entire associated links in social media, which rarely allows linking multiple sites. The site was inspired by the developers’ annoyance with social media, in which it can’t allow multiple hyperlinks…)

Downright, professional…

Look forward to your day

How does one find something to look forward to, every flaming day!!!

Amazing how quickly our lives can become all grey and gloomy, how it can end up with not even a spot of colour.

Our culture celebrates and advocates for waiting for that vacation, that degree, that spouse, that…that…yawn!

Splash! Some colour, don’t wait  for”that thing,” quit waiting.

 

Tips;

  • Be open to learning a new thing everyday, say yes to life.
  • As a bear minimum, you need just one thing to look forward to everyday, success is about abundance remember?
  • Take a moment to reflect on your ideal day in details from the moment you wake up.
  • Practice self-care
  • Keep a heart full of gratitude.

Take Care

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

Ps:

I don’t earn any commission for the recommendation.

Check out my Linktree here

 

She Is Curving Too Soon.

As mothers most of us will see her as the 15-16-17 yr old girl she is. But sadly some people will see a woman depending on how developed her curves seem. 

Some will want her for all the wrong reasons. 

She is faced with 3 humanly response. 

Fight, Flight or Freeze

Fight back until they see her as a “fellow man” that never needs them. So they end up leaving her alone. She then remains too strong for too long. Vulnerability becomes her worst enemy. Build on her own, demolish on her own, cry on her own…

Flight, flee from all of them, the good ones and the bad ones too. Never engage, never get a chance to love or be loved. 

And then we have…

Freeze, stay put and do nothing. No flinching and get the abuse. Never fighting back, never speaking up, until she eventually loses her voice, forever. 

All these are just natural responses known to humanity since the beginning of time.

When a girl starts discovering herself and the change in her body, she risks being prey to human vultures. How then she acts depends on all of us as a society, this is down to us people.

WHY be involved?

Fight, Flight or Freeze

What can you teach her? ( Learn about gender equality)

How can she cope and with what tools?

Your role and responsibility in all this?

Empower

We do have a solution, it is called female empowerment. Empower her to be emotionally intelligent. Teach her when to run and when to hide, when to stay and watch things unfold. Give her the tools to play her role in life with confidence and ‘like a badass’ she is. Enable her to spot and know that all attention isn’t good attention. Attention doesn’t necessarily translate to love, right?

Rock being a badass

Just because someone is showering you with all the attention you never had, doesn’t mean the person loves you. Some are just socio-paths, topic for another day. Never confuse attention with love.

Our Role

#ubuntu

Teach her on how to judge all cases, individually, to reconnect with her instincts…

…to tell apart, to study, to be aware of self and the environment around her. 

Give her the right tools and information for her to know that she has full control. Control isn’t somewhere out of reach, it is not mystical. She is the driver of her life, she should never doubt that. And when things go wrong like they sometimes do, she has it within herself to gain back power, because no-one can take it from her without her permission.

All about choice…

She can choose how to handle the situation(s) ….and herself. 

Use her gifts to uplift others and be of great contribution to the society.

Yes, she can be a child, of course she still is, but still own it like a boss.

 

Thank You

Dedicated to a young person I know who is becoming a victim of yet another misguided attention.

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

Ps: Join us every Mondays and Thursdays 9:30 am GMT, for live interviews with amazing women helping us define what success means. Aired in Facebook group “Success Your Way Movement”

Have You Experienced Schadenfreude

Take control of your life

Schadenfreude

Are some of us guilty of schadenfreude?*

You know we all sometimes do things for the strangest of reasons. Factors that may seem as strong motivators to us, may turn us into silent monsters. Simple things such as pursuit of money can turn out to be empty and shallow but gets worse when we pray for other people’s harm, or intentionally harm others for our own gain.

We have seen how COVID-19 has equaled to rocketing masks sells and hand sanitiser sells too. Now, imagine if someone had done that for their profit? Awful!

Life and its challenges.

Sometimes some misfortune just occur making one person rich and the other poor. One at peace, the other at war. 

What shouldn’t be celebrated is causing and/or praying intentional misfortunes for pleasure and self-satisfaction.I advocate for one knowing their values. Once you know what they are, and that your life doesn’t have to depend on other people’s misfortunes, you will find your true purpose in life.

Victim

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent- Elenor Roosevelt

People do things that hurt you with your permission. No, I am not trying to be judgemental, it is what it is. Whenever people do things that make you lose your cool, hurt you, bothers you just now that you allowed it to happen. 

You can stop most of this behaviours gracefully and effectively when you practice the below steps. I have covered it before but just in case you missed it.

Protect Yourself

First Step: Inform

Inform the person of where they crossed the line. Some people honestly have no idea where the ‘line’ is.

It can be something like, “Do you realise that you are shouting at me?”

“Your comment about my job hurt me”…

Second Step: Request

Request the person to stop if he persists.

For instance, “ I urge you to stop discussing about my job”

Third Step: Demand

Insist for them to stop it. You would hope, a person with sense, would have noticed their uncouth manners by now, surprise! Lo! and behold, now and again one or two will never cease to surprise.

“I insist you stop going on and on about my job”

Well, if all the above didn’t work then step four is called for.

Fourth Step: Action

Your Emotional Intelligence should play a big part here. You don’t need remarks or comeback comments, just simply take action such as leaving the room. It takes two-to-tango. Do not entertain it. Self-awareness is so important it makes you know your worth.

 None of these steps need you to raise your voice, stay calm and collected.

 

Goodluck.

 

Let me know if you have ever used the method above. Lastly, remember to always use a neutral tone when setting boundaries.

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

 

 

Source

Wikipedia

*Schadenfreude (/ˈʃɑːdənfrɔɪdə/; German: [ˈʃaːdn̩ˌfʁɔʏ̯də] (About this soundlisten); lit. ‘harm-joy’) is the experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, or humiliation of another.

Schadenfreude is a complex emotion where, rather than feeling sympathy, one takes pleasure from watching someone’s misfortune. This emotion is displayed more in children than adults. However, adults also experience schadenfreude, although generally they conceal it.[1]

‘Should’ Goals and Real Goals

Some people find fault like there is a reward for it.

Zig Ziglar

Free from Self-Judgement

We need to suspend judgement on what seems to be right or wrong especially when trying to transform our lives. (So long as you are not breaking the law)

Eliminate the ‘should’

Once you decide you are transitioning to your best self, you then have to eliminate the ‘should’, ‘oughts’ and ‘musts’ in your vocabulary.

‘Shoulds’ are those things you have convinced yourself that you have to do, you gotta do, but really don’t want to.

 

‘Shoulds’…

These things just wear you out and drain you.

An examples would be;

“I should be making more money like everyone else”

“I ought to buy a bigger car”

“I must get married and have kids by 30”

That is just what you think, it is not necessarily what you want, the society probably told you so, and the media.

You get nowhere and waste a lot of energy with the ‘should’ time to ditch them and make more fulfilling goals and dreams. Nothing slows you down like the ‘should’, ‘oughts’ and ‘musts’

Remember

  • A ‘should’ goal defers from a real goal, coaching helps you figure that out.
  • One thing about coaching you don’t have to know from the outset what exactly you need to work on, hence my job is to help you find the answer within you. I will help you identify and calm the vague dissatisfied feeling that keeps nagging you to do better. As a bonus, save you from draining your energy on things that are not for you.

 

To be good, according to the vulgar standard of goodness, is obviously quite easy. It merely requires a certain amount of sordid terror, a certain lack of imaginative thought, and a certain low passion for middle-class respectability.

 

Reach out and get more goodies than you set out to get.

 

Goodluck.

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

 

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels

 

Missed Some Pages of My Life-Major Life Changes

How to Tackle Major Life Changes

As we help each other grow through self-development and life coaching in general, I blog.

And with my blogger’s hat, comes a lot of sharing and responsibility.

Imagine knowing half of your story for years and years,…and years?

Yes, that happened to me.

Only recently, did I discover the other half of my life transforming journey. And, something in me still feels like there might be more to come mmh…

Just in case you don’t know much about me, I have shared most of my stories in my video blogs. One being that, I got so sick in my prime and overacted to the antibiotics given to me, and lost my hearing. I was about 25/26 at the time, the word scary doesn’t cut it.

 

I have always known and shared about me being on my death bed for about 13 or so days in hospital blah! blah! blah! There after, taken home to be nursed by my mum when it got too expensive. I know, I was in a semi-coma or something of the sort, then learnt how to walk after the whole ordeal.

But the details, not the weeny teeny bit details, the important details were missing.

Semi-coma yes, Oxygen, tick, blood transfusion, tick, learning how to walk again, yes, losing most of my hearing yes, still living it, ok???

Drum roll
Yes, I know moments.

Resuscitation! Yes, I know, resuscitation!

Only learnt of this recently. I would like to be dramatic and go like “Has my whole adulthood been a lieeeeee?” Joking…

 

Anyway,  I don’t want to wallow in negativity and the past, I do actually appreciate my journey, I would like us too take something from this.

No matter what happened to you in the past, knowingly or unknowingly we ought to seek our purpose.

Let Go, Let God

Major Life Changes

Major changes can occur at any stage of our lives, in the form of sickness, bereavement, loss of earnings, etc. These can be external factors, those forces beyond our control that spiritual people like me sum it as God’s doing. At times we are just “victims” of someone else change an example would separation and divorce to kids or family.

Back to my story, I never knew the other half of my narrative as it affected the other members. The “victims” of my change. I could play victim here, flip it and say that it was selfish of them not to tell me. No, it is their story too. They officially became a living proof of being a victim of someone else’s major change.

Their story too

My sister watched me being brought back to life. The doctors and the nurses were in such a frenzy of panic that they never sent her away, I know, she stayed to watch, I don’t know much, not my story.

On the other hand, my mum thought it best for me never to find out, I know, again don’t know much, not my story. I only know she had asked that we don’t discuss it. This is a woman who was raw. She had had to go through almost losing her second daughter only after a couple of years of losing her first one. Yeah! I know!

Working through major life changes

Most of us need a grieving process quiet similar to bereavement after a major change.

  • Allow yourself time, give time, time, and forgive yourself. It is a very important process. This is your closure, a big deal saying goodbye to an old self. But, don’t mop forever. Don’t dwell on it, start living again.
  • A time comes when you just have to dust yourself and ask yourself what it is that you learnt.
  • Know yourself and how you like to deal with things.
  • Learn about stages of bereavement.

Evolve

  • Change is inevitable, and like they say nothing is constant but change.
  • Accept the cards life played you and move forward. Keep a close-knit family (and friends) to go through the transition with, or seek professional help.

Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves?

Friedrich Nietzsche

Questions to ask yourself to create your ideal life

 

  • What is your ideal (dream) life?
  • Is there someone you admire? Are they approachable to mentor you?
  • Where do you want to live?  With whom?
  • The sort of line of work you want to pursue.
  • What would you do to make your life fun again?
  • What would a normal day look like in your ideal life? Visualise this with all the details you could possibly add.

All the best!

 

©nicollehanselmann 2021

 

Blog Photo Credits

Kaboompics .com from Pexels

Leah Kelley from Pexels

Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Just Search ‘Habit Development’ It said.

Learn how to develop new habits.

Next read

Just before I clicked the ‘buy’ button, something in me decided to read the reviews. I was on a new read quest, so the excitement was there but for some reason, I paused. Checked the reviews, and there it was, someone had left theirs…

…rather than buy the book just search for ‘Habit Development’. Wow! Just wow!

Typed in my search.

Found a treasure.

I do love sharing my new finds that is why we are here.

But, I also do love promoting other writers so now I am in a dilemma. I can’t decide what to do. Question to you, well that is after reading the below extract, what do you think I should do?

Anyway, without any further ado enjoy my copy and paste effort.


How To Start New Habits That Actually Stick

written by JAMES CLEARBEHAVIORAL PSYCHOLOGYHABITS

This article is an excerpt from Atomic Habits, my New York Times bestselling book.

Your life today is essentially the sum of your habits.

How in shape or out of shape you are? A result of your habits.

How happy or unhappy you are? A result of your habits.

How successful or unsuccessful you are? A result of your habits.

What you repeatedly do (i.e. what you spend time thinking about and doing each day) ultimately forms the person you are, the things you believe, and the personality that you portray.

But what if you want to improve? What if you want to form new habits? How would you go about it?

Turns out, there’s a helpful framework that can make it easier to stick to new habits so that you can improve your health, your work, and your life in general.

Let’s talk about that framework now…

The Science of How Habits Work

The process of building a habit can be divided into four simple steps: cue, craving, response, and reward.Breaking it down into these fundamental parts can help us understand what a habit is, how it works, and how to improve it.

All habits proceed through four stages in the same order: cue, craving, response, and reward.

This four-step pattern is the backbone of every habit, and your brain runs through these steps in the same order each time.

First, there is the cue. The cue triggers your brain to initiate a behavior. It is a bit of information that predicts a reward. Our prehistoric ancestors were paying attention to cues that signaled the location of primary rewards like food, water, and sex. Today, we spend most of our time learning cues that predict secondary rewards like money and fame, power and status, praise and approval, love and friendship, or a sense of personal satisfaction. (Of course, these pursuits also indirectly improve our odds of survival and reproduction, which is the deeper motive behind everything we do.)

Your mind is continuously analyzing your internal and external environment for hints of where rewards are located. Because the cue is the first indication that we’re close to a reward, it naturally leads to a craving.

Cravings are the second step of the habit loop, and they are the motivational force behind every habit. Without some level of motivation or desire—without craving a change—we have no reason to act. What you crave is not the habit itself but the change in state it delivers. You do not crave smoking a cigarette, you crave the feeling of relief it provides. You are not motivated by brushing your teeth but rather by the feeling of a clean mouth. You do not want to turn on the television, you want to be entertained. Every craving is linked to a desire to change your internal state. This is an important point that we will discuss in detail later.

Cravings differ from person to person. In theory, any piece of information could trigger a craving, but in practice, people are not motivated by the same cues. For a gambler, the sound of slot machines can be a potent trigger that sparks an intense wave of desire. For someone who rarely gambles, the jingles and chimes of the casino are just background noise. Cues are meaningless until they are interpreted. The thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the observer are what transform a cue into a craving.

The third step is the response. The response is the actual habit you perform, which can take the form of a thought or an action. Whether a response occurs depends on how motivated you are and how much friction is associated with the behavior. If a particular action requires more physical or mental effort than you are willing to expend, then you won’t do it. Your response also depends on your ability. It sounds simple, but a habit can occur only if you are capable of doing it. If you want to dunk a basketball but can’t jump high enough to reach the hoop, well, you’re out of luck.

Finally, the response delivers a reward. Rewards are the end goal of every habit. The cue is about noticing the reward. The craving is about wanting the reward. The response is about obtaining the reward. We chase rewards because they serve two purposes: (1) they satisfy us and (2) they teach us.

The first purpose of rewards is to satisfy your craving. Yes, rewards provide benefits on their own. Food and water deliver the energy you need to survive. Getting a promotion brings more money and respect. Getting in shape improves your health and your dating prospects. But the more immediate benefit is that rewards satisfy your craving to eat or to gain status or to win approval. At least for a moment, rewards deliver contentment and relief from craving.

Second, rewards teach us which actions are worth remembering in the future. Your brain is a reward detector. As you go about your life, your sensory nervous system is continuously monitoring which actions satisfy your desires and deliver pleasure. Feelings of pleasure and disappointment are part of the feedback mechanism that helps your brain distinguish useful actions from useless ones. Rewards close the feedback loop and complete the habit cycle.

If a behavior is insufficient in any of the four stages, it will not become a habit. Eliminate the cue and your habit will never start. Reduce the craving and you won’t experience enough motivation to act. Make the behavior difficult and you won’t be able to do it. And if the reward fails to satisfy your desire, then you’ll have no reason to do it again in the future. Without the first three steps, a behavior will not occur. Without all four, a behavior will not be repeated.

The four stages of habit are best described as a feedback loop. They form an endless cycle that is running every moment you are alive. This “habit loop” is continually scanning the environment, predicting what will happen next, trying out different responses, and learning from the results. Charles Duhigg and Nir Eyal deserve special recognition for their influence on this image. This representation of the habit loop is a combination of language that was popularized by Duhigg’s book, The Power of Habit, and a design that was popularized by Eyal’s book, Hooked.

For more on this visit https://jamesclear.com/three-steps-habit-change.

Let’s Get Sentimental

Your Ideal Love Life This Valentine

Ok, here is one fact about me, I have been single more than I have been in relationships. Huh!

“Why?” You may wonder.

Beats me. (No, actually I do know why)

All I can say right now, in this particular phase of my life, is that I have a lot on my plate.

I have so much working on myself to do, to even accommodate any remote neediness. Only joking, not everyone is needy, it is just a shorter excuse as I finish off all my endeavours.

Valentine is here…

Media: Valentine is here!

All: Yeee! Hurray! Hip Hip, Hurray, for he’s a very good fellow, for he’s a very good fellow…

Me: Oh! No! Valentine is here!

I hope you are getting all the spoils there is to get.

I am lucky, for a single person I mean, I do fairly well. Can you imagine, some admirer got me some very very private gifts. What a hint!

Anyway, for a little reminder about relationships today, let us dig in.

Relationships are beautiful, but boy! they are work. They can be hard work…

If you can put in the work then by all means be in one. But if you can’t, you are most likely wasting someone else’s time.

“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get–only with what you are expecting to give–which is everything.”

–Katharine Hepburn

Happiness…

We are seekers of happiness, to a fault, but life, life coaching in particular is about finding a balance. If being in a relationship makes you tick, be in one. But bear in mind, not everyone has it as a number one priority. Once you understand your needs and values then you know what matters to you the most.

“Where there is love there is life.”

–Mahatma Gandhi

For those in settled relationships, do you sometimes find yourself wondering whether you could sustain it? With the current unprecedented state of the world, most people are shackled together for long periods of time than ever before, this is putting a strain to even the strongest of bonds one could find.

Balance…

Having a balance can be used to mean that you have a sense that all areas of your life are in harmonious whole. All the pillars of your life including love, health, money whatnots are working together beautifully and harmoniously.

Balance is very tricky to hold, especially long term.

It is very important to know the things that matter to you as a person. Hence, emphasis on knowing your whys, your values, your visions…

(Check more on finding your core values)

To be in a healthy relationship, find balance in your life and moreso in your love life.

Activity

Here is a good exercise I can across that could help, try it.

  • Grab a sheet of paper and draw a circle. Label it ‘My Centre of Relationship Balance
  • Draw two arrows coming out of the circle, one pointing to the right and the other the opposite direction. Label the left ‘Too Little/Not Enough‘ and the right, ‘Too Much/Many
  • Involve your partner if you can.
  • Now fill in the two categories with things in your relationship that you feel are too much in an unhealthy way and those that are too little in a distractive manner.
  • Now draw a representation of your ideal love life. Using the top of the page would be good. Use any symbol your like to represent your ideal relationship. ( e.g a star, tree, prism, pet etc ) Something that will represent your love life when it is most balanced.                       (Establish your relationship priority)
  • Start working on each of the ‘Too Little/Not Enough’ with your partner every day steadily in a peaceful manner, then work on the ‘Too Much/Too Many’ next.
  • With everyday application, you will reach your ideal relationship, hence feeling more balanced. Consider which actions your could take as individuals or as a couple to move you closer to your balanced life.

Remember:

Journal your actions on a daily basis to monitor your progress. Also, redraw your circle after a few months for new insights.

Tips:

If you are seeking a more committed relationship find out your role in what you have now. Ask yourself challenging questions.

  • How do I play my role in maintaining a mutual love and respect?
  • Are there behaviours in me that could be causing frictions and the tensions?
  • What beliefs do I still uphold that are holding us back?
  • Do we have common goals and values?
  • What is working in our relationship?
  • Any changes I can begin to implement?
  • What actions can I take towards working on a better understanding?

Remember:

Do not forget to mediate. Take sometime out to focus on clearing the clutter in your mind.

Otherwise, may I take this time to wish you a Happy Valentine.

Lots of Love xoxo

 

©Nicolle Hanselmann 2021

 

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